Tuesday, 2 July 2019

Amazon wants new members for its Prime thing - ?! - ?! - ?!

Christ! How many members or customers or whatever does Amazon need?! The whole world has gone crazy, dear reader(s)!

This year's Amazon Prime Day(s) will be a $6.7bn bonanza to lure in new members, forecasts e-commerce expert.

Okay, okay. Er ... what expert? See if you can guess. 'Ha, ha, ha!' Yes, Voice. 'It's Jinksy, isn't it, boss?' Yes. Yes. It's Jinksy. Who else would it be?

Amazon's business model relies on attracting new members, and it will offer over 1 million deals on Prime Day this year to reel them in, says e-commerce delivery specialist ParcelHero. But can its marketplace traders afford to join in?

Listen! I got conned into joining that Prime thing, and it was a bloody nightmare trying to get out of it. 'You weren't conned. You just clicked on the wrong thing.' Exactly! I clicked on the wrong thing. But I had no idea what I was doing, man! It's so confusing. 'No, it isn't confusing. You've just got to be careful.' Exactly! You have to be really, really careful on that Amazon website BECAUSE(!) ... Jeff wants all our money to fund those absurd rockets of his. / NOW(!), listen ... I don't mind giving my money to Elon for his rockets, but I'll be damned if I'm going to give Jeff any money for his Blue Origin nonsense. 'Have you actually given Elon any money, boss?' What?! Are you crazy?! Elon is worth $20 billion! I haven't got a pot to piss in. 'All right. Uh, let's get back to the PR email.' Okay, okay. Parcels again! What a life, eh?

Amazon's Prime Day will set new records this year, says the e-commerce delivery specialist ParcelHero. It predicts Amazon's two-day members' only sale - on 15-16 July - will again see sales rise by 60%, bringing in around $6.704bn. But ParcelHero says the chief objective of the event is to lure in new members - who spend twice as much as non-members with Amazon - and that Amazon will actually lose money on some sales in its desire to hook in new loyal customers.

Hook?! Ha! Tell me about it!

Says ParcelHero's Head of Consumer services, David Jinks MILT, "The exact numbers are not always released by Amazon, but our research shows a definite pattern of sales growth that is likely to be boosted by the switch to two days. Our research reveals that, back in 2015, the first Prime day earned the company a Prime cut of around $0.96bn; in 2016 that rose to $1.52bn; which soared to $2.41bn in 2017, and reached around $4.19bn in 2018. That's an average yearly rise of 60% in sales on the day; and if the event continues its meteoric growth, we think $6,7bn is a likely sales figure for the two-day promotion."

'He didn't tell you about it!' What? 'Jinksy didn't tell you about the hook they've got.' It's just a saying, Voice. FFS! Tell me about it! You know? 'Yeah, okay. I see.' And Amazon hasn't got an actual hook, man. That would be ridiculous. / Anyway ...

But David says that's not necessarily all good news for Amazon or the Amazon market place traders that join in the event. "Amazon's goal for its Prime Day events is not short term profits but members. Last year it had more new members sign up on Prime Day than any previous day in its history. That's what Amazon is looking for from the event."

New members. Right.

Explains David "Members are lured in by low prices and stay because of the free two-day deliveries, one day delivery options and other perks such as Prime Video. It's well worth while for Amazon as loyal Amazonians spend more than double the amount non-members do and tend to renew their subscription as the next Prime day rolls around."

Ha! I clicked on the wrong thing, that's all. I wasn't lured in by low prices or anything else, Jinksy. It was a mistake. A tragic mistake. And I didn't stay. I left.

Ah, I've had enough of this ...

ENDS - !!!


Anything else? No. There's nothing else.