Wednesday, 2 April 2008

Lehman Brothers and the short-sellers

Lehman Brothers has been accusing hedge fund short-sellers of pushing down its share price in the days following the Bear Stearns disaster. Are these hedge fund nutjobs trying to wreck a perfectly good bank? Lehman certainly believes so, and it has contacted the Securities and Exchange Commission about it.

I don't know if SEC will be able to do anything. How will it be able to prove which hedge fund did what shit? No, Lehman needs to get a top financial shaman on the case. I'm snowed under with work at the moment, but I could put it in touch with a friend - maybe Michael Oliver at Mystical Cash Gurus.

Basically, a financial shaman would go straight on to the astral plane. You won't believe what you can find out on the plane. There are bankers, traders, fund managers, and analysts - the majority of them long dead - who will have inside knowledge of practically all the financial deals going down on earth. There are also thought-forms, but I won't discuss them now. The beauty of being a dead trader or banker or whatever is that when you do venture down to earth, you're fucking invisible. Of course, I've done a lot of astral travel in my time, but it's unbelievably exhausting. Honestly, after half an hour of astral travel, you want to sleep for at least twelve hours. But I've heard - and I can't confirm this - that for the dead, astral travel is a piece of piss. So what I'm suggesting - rather long-windedly, I admit - is that Lehman Brothers hires a financial shaman. This shaman will then go on to the astral plane and get a couple of his dead mates or acquaintances to pop down to earth for a bit. And then these guys, completely undetected, will be able to go around all the offices of the various hedge funds and find out who the monkeys were that tried to fuck Lehman up. Then what? Well, they could either contact SEC with the info and proof, or they could go the money curse route and just destroy the hedge funds in question.

So, short-sellers beware - there's no hiding place!