Tuesday, 15 April 2008

Threadneedle investment funds: a mystical celebration

O my children, my brothers, my sisters, the time has come for a mystical celebration of Threadneedle's investment funds.

But where to start? Global Select Fund? Oh yes, the Global Select Fund is a glorious fund. It certainly is, but I prefer the UK Institutional Fund. This fund lives in my dreams! When I go to sleep, it is there waiting for me. But it's shy, oh so shy. Like a frightened deer it runs off into the shadows of my mind. But there are dangers there! This little deer has no understanding of the darkness where even I fear to venture. Jack Pickles is there! Yes, sometimes he invades my mind while I'm sleeping, while my guard is down. O Jack, don't you dare harm the UK Institutional Fund. Don't you dare!

UK Monthly Income, UK Equity Income, Sterling Bond, Strategic Bond, American Fund! O ghosts of the dead financiers, breath in and take Threadneedle into your cold, spectral hearts! Like a money flame from the mouth of God's most beautiful angel, you will burn with these funds, and you will love the burning. We all love the burning! Big Herb loves the burning! Ganesh loves the burning! I love the burning! I writhe on the floor and scream in the blood of a sacrificed banker and I burn with money and I am blessed and I am saved and I am holy and I am full of love and the lords of the big money smile at me and I smile at them and I am in ecstasy!