Thursday, 1 August 2013

Jupiter has got more AUM

Brilliant news! Jupiter has got more AUM! 'More aum?! What on earth are you going on about, Mikey?' Assets under management, you moron! Jupiter has got more. 'Oh. How much more?' Er .. let me see. It's got £29 billion now. That's up 10 per cent this year. 'Great! What are Eddie and the gang going to do with all the money?' Well, I'm hoping they'll send some my way. I mean, I deserve it after all the spiritual/mystical support I've given them over the years. 'How much are you hoping for?' Only five million, Voice. I think that's a reasonable amount. They probably owe it to me. 'Yeah, when you think of all the spiritual and mystical support. You ain't cheap, man.' No. I'm the world's foremost financial shaman, man. / See if you can dig this, reader(s), Voice -

Eddie Bonham Carter told some sad cases: "Jupiter continues to attract healthy inflows while delivering consistently strong investment performance, thanks mainly to Mr Fowke. We have also made excellent progress in developing a strengthened and sustainable balance sheet. Financial shamanism really works!"

Impressive, eh? People are finally going on the record, telling the whole world how wonderful I am. 'People? Just Eddie, Mikey.' Eddie, today. Who knows who tomorrow? 'Eh?' Never mind.


I doubt I'll get the money. Let's be realistic. / I ain't bothered. I do it for love anyway. I'll get my reward beyond the THREE. (No. 139 coming later. It wouldn't be No. 140, would it?) / Well ...

I'm listening to Hall & Oates. I know they're not particularly cool, but they've written some good songs. / I'm paying special attention to Kiss On My List and Out of Touch because if my hand doesn't improve soon I'll have to start writing keyboard/piano-based songs.

Lunch? Luxury cheese sandwich today with red onion. Luxury yoghurt, too. Oh, I DESERVE(!) the best, man.