Monday, 25 April 2016

The richest hedge fund managers in 2016

Yes, it's the Monday morning PR email, back by popular demand. This one is from the Sunday Times (Andy Mitchell, tpf). 'Wow! You're going up in the world, boss.' Yes, it seems so. / Er ... there's a goddamn embargo on it though. Is it safe to write about this yet? 'The embargo passed early on Friday last week. What have you been doing?! You're actually late, man.' Shut up, Voice! No one cares. My readers just want to know what my opinions are on this year's richest hedge fund managers in the UK. 'And Ireland.' Yes, yes. And Ireland. Christ!

Michael Platt, who runs BlueCrest Capital, is Britain's richest hedge fund manager with a fortune of £2.1bn, up £600m on last year, according to The Sunday Times Rich List 2016 - the definitive guide to wealth in Britain and Ireland - to be published this weekend. Platt, who lives in Geneva, earned more than £500m from BlueCrest Capital in 2015.

Oh, I see. He lives in Geneva. Our Mickey lives in Geneva. Not exactly Britain or Ireland, is it? This list is fucked already! And we haven't looked at the other hedgie characters yet.

Alan Howard, co-founder of Brevan Howard, who shared top spot on the Hedge Fund Rich List last year, has fallen to fourth place, with his personal fortune now standing at £1.04bn, down £460m on 2015. The Brevan Master Fund fell 1.99% in 2015, with firm-wide assets under management almost halving in two years, to $23.7bn.

Does anyone know where Alan Howard lives? 'Panama, boss?' I don't know. Does anyone know? 'You could always do some research online.' Ha! Sod that for a game of soldiers! It's Monday morning. I've just had a week off. Watch my lips, Voice: I ain't doing no research online.

Crispin Odey is no longer a billionaire. His fortune has fallen by £200m to £900m. Odey saw profits at his hedge fund plunge to £84.1m in 2015, from £174.2m previously. His own pay was cut by £16m to £31.8m.

Oh dear. That's pretty rough. How will our Crispin be able to look the other guys in the eye from now on? 'It's all that flying around he does in that fucking balloon of his.' What do you mean? 'He's taken his eye off the ball.' Yeah, maybe. But it is a very beautiful balloon. I don't really blame him.


Anything else? Music? Well, obviously, I'm listening to Prince, Sign 'O' the Times. I've been watching videos of him on YouTube this weekend as well. I was always a bigger fan of Bowie, but Prince's death has affected me more, I think. 'Why?!' Because I liked the way he totally lived in the reality he had created. And it's the way he worked around the clock, you dig? The rumour is, he didn't sleep for a whole week before he died because he was working. 'That's crazy! Is it true?' Who knows? But if I can ever get away from blogging - and all my responsibilities and domestic shit - that's the way I want to be. 'Because you despise mundane life/reality, yeah?' Oh yeah. Big time.