Thursday, 1 June 2017

Metro Bank knows where you hide stuff ...

Matthew 6:19-21 - Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Okay, okay, okay, it's a commode, rabbit food, a cistern, and a soup can! My libido, I feel stupid and contagious, yeah! 'Er ... that's a Nirvana lyric, isn't it, boss?' Ha! The last bit is, Voice. The first bit is from Metro Bank. A PR email. 'Christ! What's the matter with them? Has someone had a breakdown?' No, no. Nothing that exciting, man. Apparently, British people hide their valuables in weird places around their homes. 'Oh.' Yeah, in a commode, or in a soup can. 'Oh.' Not everyone does though ...

Metro Bank, the revolution in British banking, has delved into the secret hiding places of the UK's most prized possessions and uncovered a treasure trove of clandestine locations. Almost half of Brits (47%) - that's 24.1 million - say they believe the safest option is to store their valuables in and around their home. However rather than being concealed in top-secret hiding places, to a burglar's delight, when it comes to Brits' homes, filing cabinets and drawers (26%) were found to be the most common place for people to stow away their important possessions, followed by a safe (19%) and in third place a wardrobe (18%).

Filing cabinet, drawer, and a safe, and a wardrobe! Here we are now, entertain us. 'Ha!' No, it's not the same. 'But, boss ... why does Metro Bank care about this shit?' Because they have these safe deposit boxes they want people to use instead. 'Oh, I get it.' Yeah. This is what Iain Kirkpatrick says about it -

Iain Kirkpatrick, Managing Director of Retail Banking at Metro Bank commented: "Never mind under the bed or in a sock drawer or even the commode, we know that our customers' valuables need to be looked after properly and kept safe. While some people opt for more unusual places, it is worrying how many choose to hide their most cherished possessions in such conspicuous locations. At Metro Bank, we care about what’s important to our customers and we're always looking for ways to make their banking experience as simple and straightforward as possible. That's why not only do we offer safe deposit boxes in all our stores, but they can be accessed as many times as customers want during store opening hours, seven days a week, from early in the morning to late at night. No appointments are necessary and customers are able to use our viewing rooms to access their box in complete privacy."

You see? 'He seems really concerned.' / Of course, gangs of robbers often break into places with safe deposit boxes, like that Hatton Garden job. But we won't worry about that now.


It's the end of the week. Anything else? / Did you see the BBC debate last night, dear reader(s)? Theresa May was too scared to show her face. 'Ha!' It's like throwing a party and not turning up. She was the one who wanted this fucking election. No one forced her into it. / And now various nutjobs are complaining about the "left-wing" audience from last night. 'Ha!' Yeah, because they were laughing at Amber Rudd. That's the British public, nutjobs. Maybe you would prefer a different public? If you don't like it, go and live in North Korea where people do what they're told.