Tuesday, 29 May 2018

Leading the world in private equity!

Okay, okay. How about that, eh? It's quite impressive. 'Leading the world? Who is, boss?' What? 'Who's leading the world in private equity, man?' Uh ... western Europe, son. 'Oh. Who says?' I do. 'Ha!' What? 'You're not the sort of guy who just wakes up one morning and says western Europe is leading the world in private equity. There's something you're not telling us.' Oh, like what? 'Like, maybe, someone - maybe someone by the name of Sam - sent you a PR email.' What have I told you about reading my emails, Voice?! 'I read your mind, man.' Yes. And what have I told you about that? 'Sorry.' You're not sorry. 'Uh.' Forget it.

Anyway ...

24 May 2018 - Data from eFront, covering 4,000 funds globally, shows that Western European private equity funds showed the best returns globally, at the same time as delivering robust performance on the VC side.

Yeah, it's five days' old, dear reader(s). I was away, enjoying myself. Now I'm back here, being miserable again. What a life!

Uh. I suppose you want the report highlights, reader(s), yeah? Well, tough, you can't have them. 'Ignore him, reader(s). He's in a funny mood this morning. I'll give you the highlights.' Yeah, go on. Earn your money, Voice. 'You don't pay me!' Whatever.

Western European private equity funds achieved an overall return of 1.68x (TVPI - total value to paid in), ahead of the US on 1.56x.

On an IRR (internal rate of return) basis, the figures were 14.32% for Western Europe and 12.17% for the US.

The performance was led by Nordic funds on 1.91x, Benelux funds on 1.85x, and the UK on 1.62x.

On the VC side, Western Europe delivered 1.34x, led by the UK on 1.37x and Italy on 1.35x.

On a combined basis, Western Europe was the second best performing region for PE and VC globally, recording 1.65x - just behind China on 1.67x.

Other regions, including Russia / CEE, Southern Europe and Latin America, saw markedly lower returns.

'There you go, reader(s)!' Of course, if you were really clever, Voice, you would establish a mind connection with Tarek Chouman, and see what he's got to say about all this private equity nonsense. 'Er ... a mind connection with Tarek Chouman? That's a piece of piss, man. Watch this!' Okay.

Tarek Chouman, CEO of eFront, says: "When analyzing private equity and venture capital, forming a sophisticated understanding of the characteristics of specific geographic markets is of crucial importance. Our Global Private Equity Performance Series represents, to the best of our knowledge, the most comprehensive publicly available analysis of returns, risk and liquidity among private equity's main geographies. Private markets do not offer precise or timely information, and the nature of closed-ended funds introduces other complexities. These challenges are opportunities for those willing to invest the time in truly understanding the idiosyncrasies and stages of evolution in different geographic markets."

'You see, boss?' Yeah, not bad. I've trained you well. 'Ha!' Yes, ha! Ha, ha, ha!


There was more to the email, a lot more, dear reader(s), but ... ENDS ... you dig? Because ... I say so. That's it.


Anything else? No. Laters. 'Your music, Mikey.' What about it? 'Tell us!' Just the normal thing, man. Rehearsing and that. 'Oh.' I'm going to put my three best songs on the demo, after all. 'But you downgraded one. You only have two best songs.' Ha! I upgraded it again, Voice. Three now, again. 'Christ!' Yeah, you know what I'm like. Don't worry about it. / I just wish I had more songs like those three. Actually, twenty-five of them within the next ten years should do it. World-beaters, you dig? The thought that I won't be the greatest ever songwriter makes me feel physically sick. It's something I've got to do, to justify my life. That's why I'm pissed off. But you don't want to hear my problems, dear reader(s). Laters!