Wednesday, 4 June 2008

Dresdner Kleinwort team poached by Collins Stewart

Some absolutely shocking news. The UK investment bank Collins Stewart has stolen the investment companies team (thirteen to fifteen members) from rival Dresdner Kleinwort. What makes this so disturbing is the fact that the team didn't actually want to leave the German bank. So what happened?

I have been speaking to Susan Flint from Bad Moon Investments, and she told me, 'Collins Stewart has been desperate to get this team for some time now. It tried everything - money, expensive gifts, even prostitutes. In the end Collins Stewart had to get Jack Pickles involved. Joel Plasco gritted his teeth and did what he had to do, I suppose.'

No. No. No. Mr Plasco did not have to ask for Jack's help. Once you've done a deal with Jack, you're his for life. He will worm his way into your world, your dreams, and your nightmares. And he will also bring in his foul crew of demons.

I have been speaking to Nicky Pickles. He told me, 'Jack did it. I can't believe my brother. I really can't. Dodgy trading is one thing, but kidnapping! Jesus H. Christ! And he's boasting about it! He phoned me last night and told me that his henchmen had bundled the Dresdner team into the back of a laundry van of all things. Now the team is at a secret location somewhere in the Home Counties, no doubt being brainwashed and subjected to unbelievable horrors. Soon it will return to the City. Jack says the team members will be given new identities and even new personalities, and then be put to work at Collins Stewart. I feel like crying, and not just for these poor souls. My brother! Why is my brother like this?'

Mr Plasco, I hope you're proud of yourself. I hope you can sleep at night.