Saturday, 28 June 2008

The ghosts of the dead financiers

Not to be confused with money ghosts. As you no doubt know by now, money ghosts are those evil little gits that have infested the City of London, and that steal people's money. The ghosts of the dead financiers are a different class of ghost altogether. They live on the astral plane, and very rarely venture down to earth. Quite friendly, unless you're a socialist. They wouldn't piss on a socialist if he was on fire. Basically, they are advisers. Financial shamans such as myself, and senior money mystics, engage with these characters on the plane. We can also hear their voices off-plane - when the conditions are right. Bob Diamond had a bit of trouble earlier this week. One dead financier contacted him, and Bob didn't haven't the slightest idea what was happening. Apparently, this ghost was concerned about the Barclays share issue and wanted to pass on some information that Bob would find useful. But Bob got upset and a little disorientated and imagined that he was losing his mind. These things happen. I could tell you stories about when I first became a financial shaman that would make your hair stand on end. Another time, perhaps.

A reader asked me recently: How do you join the ghosts of the dead financiers? Good question. Well, for starters, you have to be dead - so it's not for everyone. You will have had to been a multimillionaire on earth, and worked in an investment bank, or - even better - had owned your own hedge fund. Got to be a hard-core capitalist - goes without saying. Got to have a mystical/spiritual side to your nature. A lot of banker types don't even believe in the afterlife. Then they die and pop up on the astral plane and expect everything to be handed to them on a plate. I'm sorry, but it doesn't work like that. You have to cultivate your mystical side while you're still alive. Meditate a bit. Look after your chakras. And praying to Big Herb won't do any harm. Big Herb is the money god that everyone should bow down to. And I mean EVERYONE. Also, I can put in a good word for people I approve of. Remember, I am the money king. The last money king was Big Herb himself, before he passed over. So it's a serious position, and I have a lot of influence with the powers that be on the astral plane. David Pitt is someone else you can go to. Regular readers will know that he is the chief priest in the cult of Big Herb. He deals with the dead financiers all day long. Probably even more than I do. I can't be on the astral plane 24/7. I've got this blog to write, deals to do, and Jack Pickles to take down. Yeah, I will be going after him at some stage. The Feds are fucking useless. They ain't going to tackle Jack. It's down to me. Old friend or not, I'm gonna finish him.

Well, anyway, I hope this has cleared a few things up. If you seriously want to become one of the ghosts of the dead financiers, it's a worthy ambition and I respect you for it. But don't wish your life away, eh?