Monday, 11 May 2009

Aurelia Lamorre-Cargill: there's a huge amount of potential money out there

That's what the girl says. Aurelia Lamorre-Cargill from Barclays Capital has been telling anyone who will listen that there is a huge amount of potential money out there in outer space. All we have got to do is grab it with our cosmic minds. Easier said than done, you're probably thinking.

O Master, I am thinking that. How do you know?

Ignore him, dear reader. But what the hell is 'potential money'? I have been speaking to Maurice Marble III - Acton's leading brain specialist and my adviser on all matters scientific - and this is what the fucking loon told me: 'Michael, potential money doesn't exist yet. It has not been born in our minds. What Aurelia wants to do is give birth to the money with a burst of cosmic fire in her head. (Hang on a minute, Maurice. That is not what she says. Aurelia has told some newspaper that we have all got to grab the money with our minds. Not give birth to it with our minds.) You're talking shit, Mike. (It's not me. Tell Aurelia.) Oh, I will. How can we grab money that hasn't even been born yet? Remember, it is only potential money at this stage. (Fine. But we do have to go out into outer space, yeah?) Well, yeah. We will travel there in our minds, beyond the stars, to nothingness! (To nothingness? I don't like the sound of that, Maurice.) That's where the money is.'

Potential money, he means.

Well, as regular readers will know, you have to take everything this prick says with a pinch of salt. So I phoned Aurelia. We had a nice conversation about all kinds of shit. Then we got to the heart of the matter:

Michael, I can assure you that I will not be giving birth to this money with a burst of cosmic fire in my head. (No?) No. Your friend Maurice is an idiot. All we have to do is grab the money. It is there waiting for us. (Aurelia, love, how can we grab potential money though?) I don't understand the question. (The money doesn't exist yet. It hasn't sprung from nothingness yet.) Michael, why are you and Maurice getting so hung up about this word 'potential'? It's just something I said when I was talking to some newspaper. The money exists. It's real money. We've just got to grab it. (With our cosmic minds, yeah?) Of course, Michael, what the fuck do you think I'm talking about over here?

Er - I'm more confused than ever now. But the point is: there is money around somewhere. Born or unborn, we will be able to get our hands on some money. Let's leave it at that.