Thursday, 7 May 2009

Stress tests for banks

To start off with, we tested JPMorgan Chase. O Master, what happened? O my child, we sent in a team of giant rats. Astral rats from the lower levels. They swarmed everywhere. O Master, how did the JPMorgan freaks cope? Reasonably well. I was quite impressed.

Then Citigroup. O Master, what happened at Citigroup? Horace went in. O Master, who the fuck is Horace? He is one of the ghosts of the dead financiers. Horace tried his best. He tried to scare them shitless. But they were not having any of it. Of course, Vikram has seen it all before. O Master, Vik has his temple of love out in the desert. Of course he has. That's why passing this stress test was a piece of piss for him. Capital shortfall? Forget about it!

We went to Bank of America. O Master, how did BofA cope? O my child, you may hear in some quarters that the bank needs $34 billion in fresh capital, but that is only the half of it. BofA's employees all need new chakras, man - after the stroke we pulled. O Master, tell me more! No.

We went to Wells Fargo, flames in our eyes, money burning in our hearts - and did our love take them out of their bodies for a trip around the stars? O Master, did it? Er - unfortunately, they did not fly. Cold earth wanderers, the lot of them. May Big Herb and Ganesh have mercy on their souls.

And with great joy in our hearts we went to Goldman Sachs! O Master, that must have been some stress test, eh? Forget about it! We didn't even have to test these beautiful muthas, these mystic lords of all the cash. We just danced with them beneath the moon. O Master, you went at night? O my child, I am referring to an astral moon, one of many. Oh. And did they dig it? O my child, they dug it until it couldn't be dug any more. You should have been there.

Then we tested Morgan Stanley. O Master, how did that go? Well, you know, it could have been worse. We stretched them on a spiritual rack. Their souls went out, then came back in. O Master, will they ever be the same again? That remains to be seen.

And what of the other banks?

You mean MetLife, PNC Financial Services, US Bancorp, Bank of New York Mellon, GMAC, SunTrust, State Street, Capital One Financial Corp, BB&T, Regions Financial Corp, American Express, Fifth Third Bancorp, and KeyCorp? Yes, Master. Tell me! We tested them all, my child. Some took the pain, and smiled. Some took the love, and frowned. That's just the way it goes sometimes.

So, quite a result, then?

Yeah, all in all, not bad.