Monday, 25 February 2008

City law firms and the hourly fee system

Top London law firms are being forced by their clients to reform their hourly charges system. A lot of work now is either fixed fees or success fees. Good. No one wants to see lawyers ripping people off.

But you're probably wondering, aren't you, how financial shamans and other mystical workers charge for their services? I bet you're wondering that. Well, don't worry, I will tell you. A lot of banks employ shamans and mystics, and they get a salary plus bonus. But there are some shamans - such as myself - who work freelance, and they negotiate with the client. It can be hourly rate, fixed fee, or success fee. Do you feel better now? Too many people are needlessly worried about financial shamans and money mystics. Ooh, what are they doing? How much are they getting paid? Are they going to destroy the banking system? Just chill out, will you?

I have been speaking to award-winning financial psychic Keith Busby, and he told me, 'I work on a success fee basis. If I don't get results, I don't get paid. There was an interesting case recently. Some goon at ABN Amro wanted me to use my mystical powers to track down his Rolex watch, which he had lost in a nightclub somewhere. Not my normal work, but he was willing to pay top dollar for its recovery, so why should I give a shit? I'm just out for the money, me. Anyway, I found the watch, but he tried to pull a fast one. He said the Rolex I had found was not his. He said he would know his Rolex anywhere. But then the cheap bastard tried to buy it off me for £500. I said - listen, mate, this is your fucking watch. I know it is because I did a fucking soul scan on you. And it's worth thousands. You were going to pay me £1500 for getting it back, and that's what I want. Well, he gave me £1000, and I took it. But Jesus Christ! Getting money out of a banker is like getting blood out of a stone. I'm seriously thinking about doing something else for a living. I sometimes think I would be better off working in a fairground, do you know what I mean?'