Monday, 4 January 2010

David Tepper: $2.5 billion bonus!

Yes, it's a new year, and we have something to celebrate. Already already already there is something to be happy about. David Tepper, the man with the brass balls, the boss of Appaloosa Management, is getting a $2.5 billion bonus! Yes, that's billions, my children. Not millions, billions!


O Mikey, O Master, you win some, you lose some - I've won some! People say I rub my brass balls for luck. People say all kinds of ridiculous things. What they don't know is that there is an aching in my heart and in my soul. Yes! I have a longing for the desert. Big Herb is calling me. The ghosts of the dead financiers are calling me. Sometimes I feel a stirring, a mild breeze, something moving in my blood, and it almost explodes! But you actually know how it explodes, don't you, Michael?

Yes, I know how it explodes. And I know how the fever of money can take some people. A bonus of $2.5 billion will take you further. O David, you can have the desert if you really want it, the emptiness that makes us full; but what do you imagine awaits you - out there! The cosmos!

Out in the cosmos? Not out in the desert?!

Oh, strange one (strangers become stranger with great wealth), out in the cosmos! The further money takes you, the stronger the wind. It will be a wind of mystic love! You will be blown from the desert to the outer reaches of the universe, wrapped in banknotes, loved by capitalists who haven't even been born yet.

O Master, will David really go that far, or will it come to him?

O my child, what do you mean?

Maybe David should enter the astral desert. Then he will be able to find the cosmos inside. Then it will explode. All the mystic love. A tornado inside.

Yes! Yes! Yes! That's what I want to do. I want to find the tornado inside! Through the astral desert. Sand in my mouth, suffocating, ha ha ha!

Tornado in the astral desert? The cosmos within? But not a little dust devil. Jack Pickles would appear. O David, come on then. Feel the desert wind in your subconscious. Feel the burning. Feel the love. Can you see stars? David, can you see stars?

David, speak to us! Can you see stars?

O David, can you see fucking stars?! Answer me, man.

Oh, I can see stars! I can feel stars!

Fuck me! David, can you really feel stars?

They are vibrating in my head. There is blood in my mouth! My gums are bleeding! My teeth have turned into snakes!

Oh shit! O Master, his teeth have turned into snakes!

There is nothing to worry about. This is how you become a shaman. This is what money does to you when it is preparing to explode. This is what reality is like when you have let go. David, do not resist. Let go some more, man. All the way. Deeper into the vision you must dive. Deeper! Let the snakes bite you.

His teeth are going to bite him!!! Look!!!

Aaaaaaaaarrrrgghhh! Now a tornado has exploded in my head! The windy teeth of snakes and stars burning in my cells. I see my wallet! Brass balls are rolling towards me! Aaaaaaaaarrrrgghhh!

O Master, he has gone too far! Bring him back!

My child, he hasn't gone anywhere. The cosmos came to him. Look at him smiling. He is at peace. There is not a single thought in his brain at this moment. Silence. He doesn't even see anything now. Floating. Look!

O Master, up, up and away! The astral sky! See the colours change! A rainbow miracle!

Now he has gone.