Tuesday, 12 January 2010

What is Cedric de Fonclare up to now?

There is a fucking werewolf outside my bedroom window. Well, to be fair to him/her/it, it is most probably an urban fox. But that is no comfort to me. Not at four in the morning it's not. The cold. Epic dreams. And now this!

But down to business. What is that crazy cat up to now? I mean, Cedric de Fonclare. What is he doing with the life that God gave him? I'll tell you. He's managing a new fund with Stephen Pearson. Yes, Jupiter Asset Management has launched a European absolute return fund as part of its Luxembourg Ucits III fund range. And Cedric and Stephen are running the show.

Well, I was intrigued by this shit, so I got Stephen on the blower. We're old friends. This is what he said: 'Oh Mikey, I was just about to phone you. Do you know Cedric de Fonclare at all? (Only by reputation. He's a funny one, ain't he?) You're telling me. I have to work with him. Do you know what his latest wheeze is? (Lay it on me, Stephen.) He's asking all our investors to prove that they love Big Herb. That's before he accepts any of their money. (Well, that doesn't sound so crazy, man. What's the problem?) The problem, Mike, is that he expects our investors to go straight out into the desert. I'm talking the physical desert here, Mike, at night, alone, not in a group. Then he wants them to make contact with Big Herb, on a one-to-one basis, without a financial shaman in attendance. (Stephen, this is a fucking joke, yeah?) No, I'm not joking, Mike. I said to Cedric, I said "You just wait until Michael Fowke hears about this. He'll hit the fucking roof. Boy, are you in trouble!" That's what I said to him. (Well, he is in fucking trouble because I'm not having this. You can't send a load of square investors - and they are going to be squares, let's face it - to Big Herb, and not expect fucking murders.) You need a shaman for that sort of deal. (Stephen, you need a SENIOR financial shaman! You understand? You don't just walk up to Big Herb and start having a relationship, for Christ's sake! He's a god!) I understand that, Mike. Don't take it out on me. Speak to Cedric.'

Oh, I am going to do more than speak to Cedric. Considerably more. Cedric, mate, here's a little tip. If you see me coming, even in a dream, run. You get me? Run.