Tuesday, 18 January 2011

Karim Samii and his new troublemaking PCM fund

Field Marshal Dr Karim Samii, VC, DSO, MC, the founder, president for life, and chief investment officer of Pardus Capital, is planning to launch a new fund, PCM, which will wreak merry havoc in companies all over Europe. Of course, Mr Samii is based in New York, so he won't have to face any of the carnage himself.

Well, I have been speaking to this extraordinary man. This is what he told me: 'Mr Fowke, the world's foremost financial shaman unto death, let me just say - (You can call me Mikey, Field Marshal.) And you can call me Karim, Mikey. I have a feeling we're going to come to an understanding. (Stranger things have happened at sea.) And I was a submarine commander, as you know. (Yes.) Mikey, I'm an activist, always have been. Why are you getting so upset about my new PCM fund? It won't harm you in any way, or your ghostly friends. Live and let live, Mikey. Remember when you were young and your heart was an open book. (Those days are gone, Karim.) What does it matter to you? You've got your job, shaman of the world. Let me do mine. (No, it doesn't affect me, personally, but I'm worried about the state of your soul. I don't like to see any of God's creatures suffering.) Who said I was suffering? (Are you familiar with the concept of unconscious despair?) No. (Well, you've got a bad case of it. Happy men do not go around trying to win seats on the boards of perfectly well-run companies.) That's just your personal view, Mr Fowke. (Karim, listen to me. You've got to make changes in your life. Put this PCM nonsense on ice.) Then what? (Come with me into the desert, one of these nights.) No, no, no. I've heard what goes on. All this homoerotic bonding in the moonlight, men naked, the dancing! Satanic visions in the flames of the campfire! Not my cup of tea at all, I'm afraid. (That's absurd! Where do you get your information from?) A friend of mine went to one of your weekend workshops. (Who?) Just a friend. (Yeah, right. That's bullshit, Karim.) I'm only telling you what he told me. (Well, no one's ever asked me for a refund, so ... I think your friend enjoyed it a little bit more than he's been letting on.) I'm not going out into the desert, Michael. Not with you. Not with anyone. (But you're from a Middle Eastern background, aren't you?!) So? You're a Londoner. Do you go up the apples and pears, cor blimey, guv'nor, eating jellied eels every five minutes?'

Well, I put the phone down. You can't talk to people like that. I mean, what's the point?