Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Robert Polak has founded Anchor Bolt Capital

There's always some - why wasn't I told sooner? Actually, why wasn't I told full stop? [I need a new intern.] Oh, it doesn't matter, I suppose. Those poor souls over at Bloomberg have all the details. It's a new hedge fund. (Surprise, surprise.) Based in Chicago, of all places. It's called Anchor Bolt Capital, of all things. (As you might have guessed, or maybe you saw the title of this post, or maybe you're one of these tuned-in people who - forget it!) Robert Polak used to work for Citadel. Of all the firms!

Oh, it's depressing. It really is.

And it's Sean Stephens I find so ooo depressing, to be honest, really. He's the chief financial officer - that's what he reckons, anyway, ha! Well, this "Sean Stephens" creature refused to comment on details regarding the fund's start. So this meant that Kelly Bit (an absolutely gorgeous girl, by the way) and Christian Baumgaertel had to fill up their news report with emptiness, sheer emptiness. Hedgies refusing to talk?! I understand it happens a lot. Especially with the younger reporters. You've got to feel sorry for these kids. They don't have the power I have. They can't make these hedge fund gits talk, can they?

It takes a shaman. Yes, it does! I can make them talk. It's true that most hedgies love me and want to talk, but I get the odd awkward bastard or git. They're the ones you have to break, quickly. (When I say "you" I mean "me".) Hit them with everything you've got. I'm talking blood, fire, the works. Of course, unless you're a top financial shaman you won't have access to blood, fire, or the works. Don’t get confused. The last thing I want to see is a bunch of amateurs running around putting the blood and fire (and the works) on the odd awkward bastard - or git.

I'll have to pay this "Sean Stephens" creature a visit, one of these nights, as The Eagles would say. I'll do it for my Kelly. I'll break this chief financial officer, ha! I'll make him cry. I'll make him beg for mercy. Just thirty minutes with me and he'll want to tell me everything. Even the most personal stuff. I can't wait!