Tuesday, 26 February 2013

Henry Kravis and George Roberts are my new best friends!

Yeah, the founders of KKR, that private equity firm, man. And I'm talking bosom buddies, friends for life! 'Why, Mikey, why? Do they have really nice personalities or something?' No, Voice, don't be stupid. Both of them made over $135 million last year. 'Oh, I see. You want some.' Fuckin' A I want some! There's no chance I'll ever earn that much. 'Do you think they'll give you some?' Well, check this from the website: "Working together for a common goal begins within KKR. We believe that much of our success to date is attributable to the unique culture of our firm and the values we live by: honesty; respect for our colleagues and others with whom we interact; teamwork; excellence, innovation and creativity; shared accountability for both our successes and shortcomings; the fortitude to say no when necessary; and a sharing of financial results and credit throughout our firm. Also, we give money away to financial shamans because we love those guys." Brilliant, eh? 'Yeah, Mikey, you're going to be rich!' I'll be able to get a new guitar, and a keyboard. I'll phone Henry later. 'Let's hope he doesn't have the fortitude to say no though.' Eh? 'Read that statement again.' He won't say no to me, Voice. I'm not just any financial shaman. I'm the world's foremost financial shaman. 'You're the governor, Mikey.' Yeah. I'll get the money, don't worry about that. Five million pounds will be enough. I'm not greedy.

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Oh, by the way, dear reader, did you know that I was a left-wing extremist and a member of the Socialist Workers Party? 'What?!' That's according to the Daily Mail, of course. 'Christ! You had me going there.' Apparently, everyone who is against Workfare is an enemy of the state. 'Shocking!' Well, for the record, I can't stand socialism and I think capitalism is the best possible system. What I'm against is corrupt crony capitalism. 'You better not phone Henry then, Mikey.' WORKFARE IS SLAVERY. The companies and charities that have signed up to it are corrupt. The government is corrupt. And Iain Duncan Smith is beneath contempt - but you knew that already. / And I won't phone Henry now. Let him keep his money, and I'll keep my principles. 'You're my hero!' I know, Voice, I know.