Tuesday, 21 April 2015

Who on earth is Carlton Hood?!

Who on earth, on earth, on this earth, right now. Not one hundred million years from now. That would be silly. But right now. Who on earth is Carlton Hood?!

Oh, I'm in a funny mood this morning, dear reader(s). 'Christ. What's new?' Yes. So you've been warned. The best thing I can do, I guess, is just write it out. Write it out of my system, you dig? Then I'll be able to go about my day, play my guitar, whatever. And you'll be able to get back to managing your funds or ... I don't know. I'm not judging you. I hope you're happy ...

The problem is, Carlton Hood is the customer director at Old Mutual Wealth. And he has things to say. 'Why is that a problem, Mikey?' It's a problem, Voice, because our Carlton isn't taking a long-term view of life. I mean, read this: My role is about the positioning and prosperity of Old Mutual Wealth that now encompasses businesses like Intrinsic and Quilter Cheviot. Our aim is to offer the best possible service to advisers, then to equip them to offer simple and competitive solutions to their customers. What are we supposed to make of that, man?! 'Er ... it seems reasonable, boss.' What?! One hundred million years from now? 'Oh right. I see your point.' In the future, the long-term future, there ain't gonna be no Old Mutual Wealth, yeah? Also, there ain't gonna be no advisers, and there ain't gonna be no fucking customers. None! Not anywhere. All gone! 'Yeah.' What we're going to have, Voice, is jungle, probably, and lots of it! 'What, in Great Britain?' Or forests. Jungles or forests, son. I'm talking globally, you understand?

Well, well ... / I suppose it's unfair, picking on Carlton like this. But he was the first person I came to when I switched on the internet earlier. I could have chosen the prime minister or the manager of Manchester United. Or anyone. Even YOU(!).

So, I'm going to play my guitar for the rest of the day, but I'm not going to take it too seriously.


Anything else?

'Politics?' Jesus. Politics?! Do we have to? 'Yes! Pretend we're living in the present, Mikey. Forget the future!' Okay. I'll give it my best shot, Voice. / Er ... politics, here, now, Great Britain, 2015, April ... 'Come on!' Let me focus, man! / Nicola Sturgeon? Oh, I'm liking her more and more, reader(s). She should be leader of the Labour Party. What I really like about her is the effect she has on conservatives. You know, all the foaming at the mouth, the gibbering, the hysterics. I would pay to see it, and yet this entertainment is totally free!