Monday, 13 May 2019

Shopping around the clock

Yeah, it's coming, dear reader(s). As if the world isn't hellish enough. 'Who says we're getting around the clock shopping, boss?!' Who do you think? That Jinksy. 'Oh.' And he fancies himself as a songwriter now. Look -

1 o'clock, 2 o'clock, 3 o'clock; drop. We're going to shop around the clock tonight.

The man's delusional. But let's see what he says, anyway ...

Amazon's $800 million investment in free next-day deliveries may be making headlines, but the home delivery expert ParcelHero says same-day 24/7 deliveries are the future of e-commerce.

ParcelHero's Head of Consumer Research, David Jinks MILT, says: "Next day deliveries are really yesterday's news. Where the battle for our purses, wallets and corporate accounts is really taking us is 24-hour night and day deliveries. Amazon and other e-commerce giants have fed consumers' expectations of near instant gratification and the inevitable eventual result will be 30-minute round the clock deliveries. ParcelHero's latest research reveals around 25% of consumers would be happy to pay at least £3 extra for 24/7 deliveries."

Yeah, yeah. That's if the delivery drivers can find your house, of course.

UK online retailers may currently baulk at the suggestion, but David says 24/7 deliveries are already commonplace in areas of China. "Increasingly in e-commerce where China - and in particular Alibaba - leads; the West follows. And already Alibaba-owned Hema supermarkets in Beijing and Shanghai offer a round-the-clock 30 minute delivery service that has proven highly popular with nocturnal shoppers."

Nocturnal shoppers?! What's wrong with these people?! The whole world has gone insane, dear reader(s). Listen! When I was a kid, not only did we not have parcel deliveries, but all the shops were shut on Sundays, and ... listen to this!!! ... Wednesday afternoons!!! 'What?!' I shit you not, Voice. The shops used to shut at Wednesday lunchtime. And that was it. Half-day closing. 'Ha!' If that happened these days, Christ! There would be fucking riots in the streets.

The truth is, everything was better in the Seventies. We had rag-and-bone men with their horses and carts. We had Chopper bikes. (Me and Little Michael both had one.) We had The Sweeney on the telly. Real men's TV! "We're the Sweeney, son, and we haven't had any dinner." Or ... "Put your trousers on. You're nicked!" We had Charlie's Angels. We had Kung Fu. We had George Best, and Stan Bowles, and Kevin Keegan playing football. All those great guys! We had Bowie as the thin white duke. We had Marley jammin' all over the place. We had Donna Summer feeling the love, man! We had Big Daddy and Giant Haystacks pretending to fight each other on World of Sport. We had Space Dust. We had Top Deck shandy. (And Double Diamond for the grown-ups.) It was a beautiful life!

What have we got now? Around the clock shopping, that's what. Ah, never mind. I suppose Jinksy will conclude ...

Concludes David: "Amazon spent an eye-watering $61.7 bn on logistics last year, that’s 26.5% of its net sales, because it knows deliveries are a marketing tool, rather than just a necessary evil. That's why our research shows 78% of logistics companies expect to provide same day deliveries by 2023. For many shoppers night-time deliveries could prove a vital life line, and certainly win new sales. It won't be surprising if the likes of Amazon and Argos, 24-hour supermarkets and pharmacy networks are soon delivering much later into the night."

Yeah, yeah. Whatever. But thanks for the PR email, Jinksy. I mean, it's given me something to write about, and taken me down memory lane. Thanks for that!

...

Anything else? Cornwall? Oh, I'm still thinking about it, kook(s). The weather is getting better. The thing is, I might need a new and better acoustic guitar soon. I'm not rolling in money. Not like you lot. Bastards!

Also, I don't want to go to Cornwall as some sad guy. I really don't. I want to go with my demo recorded, in a mood of celebration, knowing that I'm going to be a BIG FUCKING STAR(!!!) when I get back, man. You dig?

Laters!