Wednesday, 22 May 2019

The New York Triangle

Okay, okay. / Well, this is disturbing, dear reader(s). Apparently, there's this triangle thing in New York where ships and planes are disappearing, and aliens in the triangle are abducting people and doing scientific experiments on them, no doubt. 'Where are you getting this from, boss?' It's a PR email, Voice. 'Really? Who from? David Icke?!' Ha! No, no. From my friends at TNS. Look -

Hi Michael

Please find below a press release regarding an exciting upgrade we are making to our network capacity to include dark fiber connectivity in the New York Triangle. If you would like further information or to speak to someone at TNS please do not hesitate to contact me using the details at the bottom of this email.

You see, Voice? 'Er ... they're talking about an upgrade to their network capacity.' Yes, that's right. In the New York Triangle. 'Why do they need a network in the triangle?' Christ! To communicate with the aliens, silly! To find out their demands.

May 21, 2019 - Transaction Network Services (TNS) has significantly upgraded and expanded its network capacity to include dark fiber connectivity in the strategically important New York Triangle, giving traders ultra-high-speed access to market data and TNS' financial community of interest.

So, uh ... it's traders that want to do deals with the aliens. Fair enough. 'They haven't mentioned any aliens, boss.' Oh, God! Just read between the lines, man. They're not going to come out and say: "Aliens!" ... are they? I mean, listen to Stefano -

Stefano Durdic, Managing Director of TNS' Financial Services business, said: "We are excited to bring the benefits of terabit capacity to the trading community. Over the last few years, there has been an explosion in the demand for and availability of market data, which will continue to grow for years to come. Our enhanced network capacity is something a proprietary trading firm or hedge fund might have built themselves. However, TNS brings the benefit of the capacity being delivered by a managed services provider. TNS guarantees that bandwidth will be available and ensures optimal market data delivery with support for the numerous, varied and growing amounts of raw data feeds that are emerging."

Unbelievable! Why can't he tell the truth for once in his life?! Aliens are taking over! They're sucking the bloody blood out of us!

I give up! I really do.



Anything else? Yeah. I'm a bit pissed off. Why didn't I go to St Ives this week? The weather has been lovely. I'll tell you why, kook(s). 'Ha!' It's because BBC Weather can't predict the fucking weather to save their lives, that's why! I swear they just look out of the window every now and then, and think: "Oh, it looks like it might rain. I better put some rain symbols on the website." Absolutely pathetic!

Oh, the best weather I ever had in St Ives? Let me tell you. A week in the summer of 2002. And another week in the summer of 2010. It was really hot the whole time during both holidays with full sunshine and not one cloud in the sky. Beautiful! When it's like that, man, well ... it's got to be better than Malibu. Seriously. Of course, it's rarely like that.

Oh, in 2010 ... I made the tragic mistake of walking on the coastal path from St Ives to Zennor, and without water. 'Ha!' Yeah. I told myself it's only four or five miles. 'Ha! Up and down cliffs.' Exactly! By the time I reached Zennor, I was like a Legionnaire in one of those old movies. Water! Water! I almost had to crawl into the pub on my hands and knees. 'Ha!' I had a Coke, by the way.