Monday, 14 June 2010

Barclays Capital and the dark pools

If I've told Bobby Diamond a hundred times, I've certainly told him a thousand times; and it wouldn't surprise me if I had told him a million times, in his dreams, whispering in his ear, while he slept, that BarCap should not, should never, get involved in trading in the dark pools on the lower levels of the astral plane. And the reason is simple, dear reader. The reason is that Bobby Diamond and his crew of astral warriors will lose their fucking souls. It really is as simple as that. There are demons in these dark pools. Associates of Jack Pickles in these dark pools. Followers of Satan in these dark pools. Is that where Bobby Diamond wants to do business? Is he really that stupid or reckless?

Well, I have been speaking to Bobby, and this is what the punk told me: 'O Master, O Mikey, there is nothing to worry about. BarCap is going to make so much money on the lower levels. We ain't scared of no dark pools. We got balls like beach balls, man. (Bobby, mate, are you a financial shaman yet, by any chance? Is there some wonderful news I ain't heard?) Mikey, come on, you know I ain't no shaman yet, but I'm getting there. It's only a matter of time. And I employ plenty of people who are shamans. I know you're concerned. (Yes, I'm concerned, Bobby. I'm concerned Jack Pickles is going to fuck you seven ways from Tuesday. You've never been anywhere near a dark pool in your life. Stick to the higher levels, Bobby. Please. Do it for me, for my peace of mind. I don't want to see one of my children get all fucked up. And it won't be you who gets the blame. Big Herb will look at me. He'll think I can’t control you.) Michael, with all due respect, I am the boss of Barclays Capital. You don't have any authority over me. I'm a free agent, and if I want to - (Listen to me, you fucking mook, I am the world's foremost financial shaman. I'm Michael Fowke! I made my bones when you were going out with cheerleaders. How many fucking scrapes have I got you out of? And not just in astral realms. In the real world I protected you. Remember last year, you dropped that bad acid and started telling everyone you were Jesus? You thought you could walk on water, for Christ's sake! And I had to stop Blankfein from taking you out. That shit you were talking, all that jive, BarCap the biggest investment bank in the world. Remember that, do ya, Bobby?) Mikey, I'm over that now. That was a crazy period in my life. And I'm grateful for all your help, but I have to make my own choices, you know? I have to run BarCap the way I - (Bobby, you have to do what I tell you. Be sensible, just once, yeah? Try it. Don't make a fucking fool out of me. You have some fucking respect, okay? Yeah, we're friends. Yeah, I've shown you the ropes. We've had a few laughs. But don't underestimate me, Bobby. I will fucking destroy you. I won't like it, but if it's a choice between you, your shitty little banking outfit, and my getting hauled over the coals by Big Herb and the ghosts of the dead financiers, then it's gonna be you. I'll have to finish you, and BarCap, the whole fucking show. Done. Finished. No dark pool trading. No fucking trading of any kind. You understand me, you motherfucker? There won't be a breath in your body.) I understand, Mike.'

Yeah, he understands. Fuck! Where did that come from, all that aggression? Oh, he's a good kid. Bobby's all right. I mean, I love the fucking kid. But I had to do it. It's the only language he understands. Lloyd told me I should take a tougher line with him. Well, I have.

You happy now, Lloyd?