I just don't understand.
Listen! If you're in Richmond, and you're a bit nosy ... you can look through people's living room windows and often catch a glimpse of a rocking horse. 'Ha! These people, boss.' Yes, Voice. That's the sort of people who live in Richmond. 'Ponces.' Oh, I wouldn't say that, man. Come on! 'Do they buy them for their children, boss? Because, you know ... most normal parents buy their children playstations. Stuff like that. I'm just saying.' Christ! Don't judge them. 'Well ...' Live and let live! That's what I say. Come on!
Of course, none of this, uh, that ... explains how a rocking horse is able to lend money to businesses. The whole thing is a mystery.
Anyway, I have this PR email from last week ...
UK Innovation funder Rocking Horse has today announced a multi-million-pound partnership with London-based specialist investment firm Quilam Capital who have provided a committed facility to enable it to assist the millions of UK SMEs who are eligible for around £22 billion worth of Government R&D tax credits or Innovate UK grant schemes, with advance funding to support their growth and development.
Okay, okay. It sounds ... "interesting".
Rocking Horse provides unique loan solutions at competitive rates with no monthly capital payments to SME's which are secured against R&D tax credits and Innovate UK grant regimes. The loans are then repaid when the funding comes through. It anticipates that the loans will range from £50k to £1m plus.
So ... 'Is it an actual rocking horse, boss?' I have no idea, Voice.
Rocking Horse focuses on UK SME businesses that are loss-making and often excluded by traditional banks and online lending infrastructure, filling a major gap in the innovation economy. It provides quick access to capital to further business growth and development, enabling UK SME's to fuel their expansion and ultimately create opportunities for further financing and investment.
Absolutely bizarre! It's basically a big piece of wood in the shape of a horse, and now they're asking us to believe that such a thing can focus on UK SME businesses. 'I'd be surprised if it could focus on anything.' Yeah. 'Having said that ... maybe it comes alive at night.' What?! 'It could be some sort of mystical monster thing. Like those scarecrows.' What fucking scarecrows?! 'Those scarecrows you wrote about years ago. In that factory. You know, Scarecrow World.' Ha! I wasn't being serious, man.
Anyway, let's see if Toby Walker can make some sense ...
Toby Walker, Director at Rocking Horse, says: "We are extremely excited about our new partnership with Quilam and the opportunity to fuel and accelerate the growth of the UK SME and Innovation economies. Our ambition is to become the leading innovation financier to the 3.5 million SME's in the UK and provide continued capital, support and expertise to accelerate growth within this sector."
Delusional!
Sarah? ...
Sarah Watts, Director at Quilam, adds: "The Quilam team has extensive experience in the UK SME lending market and the Rocking Horse proposition fills an important gap to provide instant cash for UK firms investing in innovation. Accelerating this cashflow can play a crucial role for SMEs maintaining growth, delivering contracts and ultimately continuing to play their vital role in the UK economy. This is the best management team to deliver this product and we are delighted to support Rocking Horse on this journey."
Delighted to support a rocking horse on a journey! I've heard it all now!
ENDS
...
And the ENDS couldn't come soon enough, believe me.
