Tuesday, 6 March 2012

What will Glencore's Ivan Glasenberg do with his £70 million?

Someone has given Ivan Glasenberg £70 million. (And I thought he had enough money already. Didn't you?) Ivan says he deserves it because it's not a part of his pay. He doesn't actually get any wages as the chief executive of Glencore. And he doesn't get a bonus either. What he does get are brown paper bags stuffed full of cash, left on his doorstep every couple of months by a friendly soul. Oh, £70 million, £50 million. It all adds up, you know. That's why Ivan is so rich. He's a billionaire. I wish I had his luck. And his money, obviously.

So, what will Ivan do with it, this £70 million? [Who cares, honestly?!] Will he buy a new house? [No, he's got twenty houses! He doesn't need twenty-one, for Christ's sake! And a house is not a home. Just ask Hal David.] Will he buy a Picasso? [No, he's not into art! He's a terrible philistine. Or a rather good one.] Will he buy a bottle of the finest Tizer? A whole case, even? [A whole case, I should think.] Yeah, a few cases of Tizer. [Hundreds!] But if he had any class at all, he wouldn't settle for anything less than Shandy Bass. [You can't get Top Deck any more.] With some Space Dust. [You can't get Space Dust any more. This is the world we're living in.] Millions of cans! Millions of packets! He'd wreck his teeth. Well, he will wreck his teeth, anyway, with all that fucking Tizer. I mean, if he gets ten thousand cases of the stuff. [The man has no self-control.] His dentist will be laughing all the way to the bank. Dentists aren't cheap, are they? Ivan will blow the lot. I can see it happening. Tizer and teeth. Why can't he be sensible with his money? I'd put it into Glencore, myself.