Thursday, 3 October 2013

Aviva has sold one of its arms

Or someone at Aviva has sold one of his arms. I don't know. It's a bit confusing. / 'Mikey, Aviva has sold one of its American arms for £1.7 billion.' Does it have any American arms, Voice? 'I suppose so. Two, I suppose. Well, it had two.' / No, it doesn't make sense. A one-armed Aviva? That's crazy! 'Oh, hang on, I remember, it's a wicker man, man.' What is? 'Do you remember when Justin and Jerry did a runner from Aviva Investors? Back in June, I think.' Justin Onuekwusi and Jerry Brewin? 'Yeah. Well, Aviva was pissed about it, so I heard that the firm was planning to burn Justin and Jerry in a wicker man.' To teach them a lesson, like? 'Yeah. But they went off the idea. They thought it might attract too much negative publicity.' Okay. 'However, they had already built the bloody wicker man, hadn't they?' Oh, I see. 'They've had a lot of trouble trying to get rid of it, so, obviously, they're selling it off now, a bit at a time.' But £1.7 billion for an arm? One arm?! Are you sure, Voice? 'It sounds expensive, Mikey, I know, but the Americans like that sort of thing. It's not actually an American arm. They've sold the arm to some Americans. In Bermuda. Maybe. Oh, I don't know, boss. It's Athene, anyway, a life insurance company.' Ha! Some people have got more money than sense.

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Dear oh dear! David Cameron, eh? What a bright guy! / He has it in for young people now, the sixteen to twenty-four age group. Apparently, they won't be able to claim any benefits at all if the Conservatives win the next election. He thinks these kids are vampires. They'll never grow old. They'll never die. ('But they must feed!' Shut it, Voice.) / He's wrong. These kids will grow up, into their thirties, and forties, and fifties, and they will never ever vote Tory if Cameron tries to fuck them. / Jesus H. Christ! Anyone would think there were millions of jobs available. Does Mr Cameron ever engage his brain before he opens his mouth?

Well, well, well ... 'Eh?' Yes. / Davey Boy has helped me to make my mind up though. I'll be voting Labour at the next election, which is fucking bizarre since I'm not a socialist, I've never been a socialist, and I've never had any sympathy for that way of life. / But there's a choice we're facing, my friend(s): civilization or barbarism. I'm going with civilization. / It won't be the end of the world. Alan Sugar and Felix Dennis vote Labour. You can still be a capitalist and vote Labour, dear reader(s). / Just think of Germany in the early Thirties. Don't make the mistake those guys did.