Thursday, 26 February 2015

Jeff Urwin is leaving JPMorgan for Deutsche Bank!

Why? Oh, why?! Oh, uh ... WHY?!?! / 'There's no need to get hysterical, boss. It's probably that expenses thing.' What expenses thing?! 'You know, that shit you covered about Michael Spencer and Chris McCoy at JPMorgan. The bank doesn't want anyone enjoying themselves any more.' Oh yeah, I forgot, Voice. If you want to work at JPMorgan now, dear reader(s), the most you can do with clients is watch TV, or listen to music ... and have a nice cup of tea and some biscuits. BUT(!) ... no restaurants and night clubs, and no lap dancing!

So, will Jeff Urwin have a better time of it at Deutsche? Oh, I don't know. I don't really know much about him, to be honest with YOU(!), dear reader(s). I couldn't find his LinkedIn profile, and Bloomberg was bloody useless. 'Prats!' Bloomberg just says he's head of global investment banking at JPMorgan (which isn't the whole story of his life at the bank, I'm sure). And nothing about his background or how much he earns. 'Christ. Amateurs!' And Bloomberg says: This person is connected to 0 board members in 0 different organizations across 2 different industries. 'Ha!' I mean, I mean ... what the fuck does that mean, eh?!

'What is Jeff going to be doing at Deutsche Bank, Mikey?' Well, yeah, he doesn't start until June. They reckon he's going to be co-head of corporate banking and securities and head of corporate finance. 'Who reckons?' Reuters. I don't know if we can trust them. Personally, I don't trust any news organization. Sometimes I wake up at three in the morning and ask myself: Do any of these people actually exist? You know, reader(s), all the bankers, all the hedgies ... are they really real?

Oh, enough of my nightmares, until later. / I'm staying positive, man. You see, I've got a luxury egg sandwich for lunch, and a small blackcurrant cheesecake. It's a rare event that I have both together, so ... I haven't got much to complain about, you dig?