Monday, 13 July 2015

Fulcrum Capital Partners has closed its fifth private equity fund

Er ... just like Ben Elton, I'll be doing a little bit of politics in a minute, but let's focus on Fulcrum Capital Partners first. I'm confused about the whole thing, man. 'What's wrong, boss?' Well, look at this, Voice -

Fulcrum Capital Partners provides flexible private equity solutions to the Canadian middle market. Managing over $675 million through THREE(!!!) private equity funds and a portfolio of mezzanine investments, we have helped build and grow more than 120 mid-market companies while generating superior, consistent returns for our investors. We've earned a reputation as an adaptable, capable team of mystic kooks that will go the distance to structure the right financing solutions for our portfolio companies. Our integrative approach, founded on our core value of integrity, is a balance of creativity (the art) and analytics (the smart), and is just one of the ways we do things a little differently.

You see, three private equity funds! THREE! So how can they have closed the fifth one recently? The fifth one don't exist, man! 'Maybe it's in the fifth dimension, Mikey.' What does that mean, Voice?! That doesn't mean anything. Be sensible, please. 'But they're mystic kooks! We all know they are. They say so themselves.' Shut up, idiot! It's just a matter of basic maths. One, two, THREE, four ... FIVE!!! / And another thing! Why do they say their fifth fund has $344 million in ... Canadian dollars?! 'Er ... because they're a Canadian firm?' But no one deals in Canadian dollars! 'Canadian firms do, obviously.' / Christ almighty! The sooner we get on to politics the better.


Politics? The Labour Party has just committed suicide. Harriet Harman says Labour will support the Tory welfare bill. 'Ha! What's the point of them existing, then, man?' I don't know. I don't think she understands, the poor thing. Labour are supposed to be the opposition, yeah? Let's see the bastards oppose something for a change. Britain is turning into a fascist state, and all Labour can say is, That's fine by us. Bring it on! Nine million people voted Labour at the last election. However, they didn't vote for this shit.

So ... it's every man, woman, child, dog, and cat for themselves. Get out! Get out while you can! [Where's that fucking spaceship?]

And there's more! Greece? What the hell is going on with Greece, man?! ('More politics, boss?' Politics and finance, Voice.) The Germans are practically telling the Greeks that they've got to be slaves until the end of time. ('Jesus!' I know!) They've got to serve their German masters until the end of time, and the Greeks ... they seem to be seriously considering it! Oh, slaves until the end of time? Let's give it some thought. NO! NO! NO! Get out! Get out now! Leave the European Union! Are you crazy?! Has the whole world gone insane?!


I need a sandwich. Oh, I need a cheese or an egg sandwich. Please! Where is my lunch?