Monday, 4 October 2010

BarCap's Tim Bond washes up on the shore of Odey Asset Management

Isn't this what we all dream of, the chance to work as a macro strategist at Odey Asset Management? That's Tim Bond's fate. That's where he is now. That is what he is doing. He is living the dream, with more to come. He may start his own fund at the firm! The possibilities are limitless!

I didn't mention it at the time, but Tim Bond left Barclays Capital in July. He was sitting at his desk, on a sunny afternoon, trying to focus on allocating global assets, the next thing he knew, his mind had set sail for Odey Asset Management. Yes, it can happen just like that. It wasn't a conscious decision on Tim's part. He had no control over the situation. He found himself in that peculiar state of mind that I often (practically always, let's be honest) find myself in. But this state of mind was induced by someone at Odey. Oh, I'm sure of it. Tim is not a natural drifter on the astral waves of the subconscious. And I have never seen him in the desert. No, not once. Someone at Odey wanted him. Someone got him. Let’s leave it at that. I am not going to point the finger. I may cut a thumb, Tim's thumb, put the thumb in my mouth, and suck the sticky blood out till the fever subsides and I am satisfied, as long as Tim doesn't mind, but I will not point the finger. The person at Odey responsible for this consciousness-jacking knows who he/she is. At least, I hope this person does. Imagine working at a hedge fund like Odey and not knowing who you are! The phone could ring. You would pick it up. And you would say, 'Hello, this is ...' No, it's too horrible to contemplate! I pity any poor stranger who has to suffer like that. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, Mr Jack Pickles. Although obviously, dear reader(s), if your name were Jack Pickles, you would never forget it, would you? Satan and his pitchfork would remind you, for one thing. 'You are Jack Pickles!' That's what he gets. Yes, even Jack. As the pitchfork goes in! Oh, it would take a heart of stone not to laugh. A soul of iron. Or a soul with some iron in it.

It took months. The journey. From BarCap to Odey Asset Management. What a brave man! He had no choice, true. But still, he coped with it, didn't he? He didn't burst into tears at the first sight of rutting behemoths in thick whirlpools. Give him some credit, for fuck's sake! Tim is a man we can trust, children. He will not run away from the tough challenges that life throws up every now and then. He doesn't expect everything to be safe and transparent. He knows there are dangers in reality, and mysteries, that must be faced. I know you agree with me. Come on. If you were alone, one night [ain't it always the nights? life is so easy in the daytime], in an attic or a cellar, and you were offered a companion, to help you make it through that night, wouldn't you choose Tim Bond, if I weren't available? Think about it. I want you to seriously think about it. You have some insight into his character now, so wouldn't you choose him? Forget about me. I could be indisposed. Incommunicado, maybe. It does happen. I'm sure you would choose Tim. And he wouldn't let you down.

I think Tim is someone we need to see on the astral plane, regular, like. Let's arrange something, eh?