Wednesday, 6 October 2010

How is Jerome Kerviel going to get his hands on €4.9 billion?

That's what he owes Societe Generale. He'll probably have to go to prison for three years first. He's out on bail at the moment, pending an appeal. Once he's left prison, he'll have to get a job. Doing what? Stacking shelves? I don't know. Jesus H. Christ! How on earth is Jerome Kerviel going to find €4.9 billion?

Obviously, Jerome needs an off-world solution. Yes, I'm talking about the astral plane. I'm always talking about the astral plane, aren't I? I'm obsessed with the joint! Oh, before we go any further, I want to make it absolutely clear that I do not approve of the things Jerome did. Like computer abuse. I know that computer abuse is not exactly the worst crime someone can commit, but I have always maintained that employees should not be allowed to watch porn during their working hours. If they want to get their jollies in their own time, at home, that's another matter. I don't have a problem with it. But you don't get your cock out at work - or whatever it is you happen to be equipped with (I know the ladies like to be different). The person sitting next to you could be a poor, overworked soul who has to eat lunch at his or her desk. Not pleasant. So have a bit of respect, yeah? Sermon over. Let's focus on a solution for Jerome. Oh, and another thing: I just mentioned respect. I do have a lot of respect for Jerome. He took his first pinch like a man and he learned the two greatest things in life [Jerome, look at me, I'm floating above you]: never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut. So what if he was working for Jack Pickles? He's not a grass. That's what's important. Right, where was I? The solution for Jerome. He's going to need our help, children.

O Master, we could ask Hugh Hendry if he will help.

No, no, no. I know what you're going to suggest, my child. You think I should allow Mr Hendry into the desert of our love; and get him to bring all the money that he's going to make from shorting the cosmos.

We could pass the money on to Jerome.

O my child, if the cosmos were to collapse, Societe Generale would cease to exist. Jerome wouldn't have to pay the money back.

Two birds with one stone!

No, it's not going to happen. And I'll tell you why. After yesterday's post, Big Herb had a word with Hugh Hendry. Put the fear of, er, Big Herb into him. I'll be surprised if Hugh ever shorts anything ever again, let alone the cosmos.

Well, what are we going to do for Jerome?

We'll have a whip-round for him the moment he gets out of chokey. How about that? The ghosts of the dead financiers are minted. They'll put up most of the money, I'm sure. We don't need Hugh. We don't need anyone from the cold world.

We'll have to make Jerome promise not to get involved with Jack again.

That goes without saying. We'll also get him to promise to stay off the Foxy Forex website.

Sounds reasonable.

All's well that ends well, then. Or it will end well. We've got to be optimistic.