Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Hands, Wormsley, Fowke: the conference call

Right, I said I wasn't going to speak to "The Worm" ever again. But I took part in a conference call late last night with David "The Worm" Wormsley and Guy Hands, at Guy's request. He had to practically beg me though because I can't stand that Wormsley. It was a favour to a friend. I'm writing songs at the moment and I'm hoping Guy will be able to place them with a few of his artists at EMI. Basically, Guy owes me one now.

Anyway, there's been talk in the media about the phone calls between Guy and David. Who said what to who. Who conned who. Who made a monkey out of somebody. No one knows the whole truth. We get snippets of the truth, don't we? It's not good enough! This Citigroup/Terra Firma crap needs to get sorted, before everyone dies of boredom. We tried our best last night. You can be the judge of whether we were successful -

Edited highlights

Worm: First of all, I want to apologize to Mr Fowke for calling Jim Morrison a silly man, during our last phone call. I was out of line. I've always wanted to wear leather trousers, but have never had the courage to do so. I took it out on Jim. Apologies.

Guy: Maybe you should apologize to Jim.

Worm: Jim Morrison is dead.

Guy: There you go again! Jim is a personal friend of mine. We spend a lot of time together.

Worm: Oh yes, on this mythical astral plane. A world of spirits and goblins, I understand.

Me: Goblins?! What do you mean, goblins? I have never - not once in my life - seen a goblin on the astral plane. I knew this was a mistake!

Guy: Mikey, calm down! He's just doing it to wind us up. Let's focus on EMI. David, are you going to come clean with the court? Are you going to admit what you did?

Worm: What did I do?

Guy: You know.

Worm: I know nothing, Guy. I was your friend. I was trying to help you.

Me: What did he do, Guy?

Guy: He tricked me into buying EMI. That's the truth. He told me that if I were the boss of a major record label, I would have groupies chasing after me, desperately trying to get their hands on my ... naked body.

Me: Two questions. Why would you be naked?

Guy: To make it easier for them; to facilitate, er, the process, well, getting laid, and that.

Me: Fair enough. Now, the other question. Guy, mate, I thought you had all the groupies, yeah? Don't you?

Guy: No.

Me: No?! The Jack Daniel's, the cocaine, the -

Guy: Yes, yes, I have all ... but ... no one wants to ... to sleep with me.

Me: Oh dear. How much did you pay for EMI?

Guy: Well ...

Worm: Four billion pounds!

Guy: Yes, thank you, Worm. Four billion pounds.

Me: Four billion pounds! Oh, for fuck's sake! So it has nothing to do with Cerberus Capital Management?

Guy: No.

Me: Oh my God. Guy, I can introduce you to a few girls. Okay, you're no oil painting, but -

Guy: No, Michael, I want to ... to forget, if you don't mind. But I want compensation.

Worm: You're not getting any compensation from Citigroup! Just because you didn't get your rocks off, I don't see why -

Guy: Listen to me, you fucking

The conversation degenerated into a slanging match at this point.

Oh dear. I love Guy like a brother, but I can't see him getting compensation. Not for this.