Wednesday, 27 October 2010

JPMorgan has bought Gavea Investimentos!

Oh, I love those chewy Mentos sweets! Is that what we're talking about? No, afraid not. 'Investimentos' is Portuguese (I presume) for 'investments'. Okay, so we're writing, then, about some Portuguese hedge fund that has just been snapped up by JPMorgan Chase (Highbridge) for a cool $6 billion. No, no, no! It's a Brazilian hedge fund, run by Arminio Fraga; JPMorgan hasn't bought it yet (but it will today), and the bank is not paying $6 billion for it. It's a $6 billion hedge fund, and JPMorgan is getting its greasy mitts (can a bank have greasy mitts?) on 55 per cent of the fund; so it is paying ...?

O Master, can't you leave this shit to the squares? It's not your forte. Concentrate on all the groovy mystical stuff, man.

O my child, see if you can dig this -

The basic tenets that underlie Gavea's philosophy as an investment manager and drive its business conduct are:

Absolutely driven, seeking opportunities throughout the astral plane, these guys don't restrict themselves to the astral desert, they go everywhere, even the astral sea, on a little boat, dodging the sea monsters in their heads, waves of gold, money washes over them;

Investment strategies defined by the investment(os!) committees, established for each of its three primary business areas, all of which are presided over by Arminio Fraga Neto, Gavea's founder and chief investment officer, a man who will often appear as the skeleton of an animal which may have died thousands of years ago, no one really knows, or as an image of a future creature there is no name for, that is the way he does business, so don't complain, it's his life, take a good look at yourself;

Intensive research-oriented investment process, with full team staffed in the areas of macroeconomics, equity research, and quantitative analysis, but it is the other areas and the special team everyone wants to know about, they go everywhere, the shamans of Gavea, even the astral sky, like vultures, looking for corpses, below, watch out, they think you are one of the dead, liven yourself up a bit;

Risk management is of utmost importance, with an emphasis on stress testing and liquidity controls, in your nightmares, they will test you, they will try to control you, give in to them, they only want the best for you, look, see the man on the wall, a shadow, a ghost, he risked everything to be with you;

Solid corporate culture, based on ethical principles and the alignment of interests with its investors, in their dreams, they go blank, all white, pictures come on a screen, there is a picture for you, something solid, something you can believe in, but it, Gavea, is drifting off, like me, not fixed, not solid, ethical, ha, you must be dreaming;

Belief in attracting seasoned professionals, as well as up-and-coming talents, that's what we all want, we all want to attract a bit of talent, only last night, I was looking for my angel in the dark, couldn't find her, Arminio understands;

Partnership culture, we are partners, friends, brothers, sisters, we are all in this together, gods, shamans, and mystical children, we will share the spoils, look at the sun, look at the moon, partners in the sky, eclipse, astral, like my blood, my flesh, my bones, like your blood, your flesh, your bones, joined, one body, a mass of fucks splattered on the wall, with the man shadow ghost who risked everything, welcome, you are welcome to it.

That's what I'm talking about!