Friday, 8 October 2010

Star-struck SEC charges Larry Wilcox (CHiPs star!) with securities fraud!

Hi! I'm Perez Hilton. Welcome to my blog!

No, I'm Michael Fowke, the world's foremost financial shaman. But I almost fooled you, didn't I? I'm not going to discuss anything mystical today. I know it's my business to be all mystical and shit, and I know my readers (you!) expect it, but - like the SEC - I'm just so excited that I have some low-rent celebrity to write about.

'The Securities and Exchange Commission today charged more than a dozen penny stock promoters and their companies with securities fraud for their roles in various illicit kickback schemes to manipulate the volume and price of microcap stocks and illegally generate stock sales. One of the schemes was perpetrated by an actor who starred as a police officer on the long-running television show CHiPs.'

My God! An actor who starred as a police officer on the long-running television show CHiPs! It doesn't get any better than that!

'Larry Wilcox, who lives in West Hills, Calif., and played Officer Jonathan "Jon" Baker on CHiPs, perpetrated interrelated kickback schemes with two other penny stock company executives.'

He played Officer Jonathan "Jon" Baker! Fuck me! What a result for the SEC this is!

More here.

But that's not all. I HAVE BEEN SPEAKING TO JONATHAN "JON" BAKER. Check this: 'Mr Fowke, I - (Jon, mate, you can call me 'Mikey' if you want to. All my friends call me that. And we're friends now, aren't we?) Mikey, I just want to apologize to all of my fans for - (Jon, let me stop you right there. There's no need to apologize. Everyone loves you. You're a star! Even the SEC didn't want to charge you, not really, but you know how it is.) They've got a job to do. (Of course they have. I bet they were in tears when they did what they had to do - their duty!) So many people love me, Mikey. I know that. I'm an entertainer. Like you say, I'm a star. You should have seen the SEC boys and girls. (I bet they were begging for your autograph, weren't they?) They tore at my clothes! And my hair. It was crazy.'

Jesus. H Christ! The SEC tore at his clothes, and his hair. That's fame for you.