Friday 29 October 2010

Hugh Hendry is a tortured soul

You read it here first. Have you ever wondered why the infamous hedge fund manager Hugh Hendry expresses so many controversial opinions? It's not because he loves the limelight - although he certainly does; no, it's because the man is a tortured soul. He is haunted by demons - literally. Every night, Jack Pickles and his hellish crew enter Mr Hendry's world of dreams. They turn his subconscious into a horror show. Naturally, the horror slides, like a snake, into Mr Hendry's conscious mind; and then, in his waking hours, Mr Hendry opens his mouth and the words pour out. Insane, terrible words which no rational man would dare utter, not of his own volition. Do you remember, a few weeks ago, Mr Hendry was telling everyone he was planning to short the entire cosmos? Where do you think he got that idea from? From Jack Pickles! The world's most demonic financier! Of course, ask Mr Hendry about Mr Pickles, and he will tell you that Jack is a charming character and a personal friend of his. Ha! Nonsense! Mr Hendry is terrified of Jack, and Jack hasn't even introduced him to the lord of the lower levels yet; yes, Satan! That's what this is all leading up to. And it will happen, believe me. Then where will Mr Hendry be? 'In hell' is the short answer.

But it doesn't have to be this way. Mr Hendry has expressed a desire to spend some time in the astral desert of our love. I have made it pretty clear to him that he doesn't have the correct attitude at present. Now, right now, Mr Hendry has got to make changes in his life. Getting rid of Jack would be a great start. He should push Jack away. Out, out, evil one, go! Tonight, in the land of Nod, Mr Hendry must make a stand. Out, out, evil one, go! When Jack Pickles enters him, Hugh Hendry must summon up all his willpower and shout out in his sleep: out, out, evil one, go! IT MUST HAPPEN TONIGHT! Halloween is only two days away! Christ! I feel like the Duc de Richelieu. This isn't my job. Oh, the things I do for complete strangers! I must be some kind of saint. However, I have absolutely no intention of going after the Talisman of Set. I mean, it's a mummified penis. No thank you. Not my cup of tea at all.

If Mr Hendry gets through this, children, we'll throw a party for him in the astral desert. Maybe even the physical desert. Why not? It'll be a lot more hassle, but I think Mr Hendry will deserve it. He needs to be strong now. Tonight is going to be a big night for him.

Good luck, Hugh!