Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Hugh Hendry is planning to go short on the cosmos

The world is not enough. Not for this evil bastard. I've discovered [late last night, voices came] that Hugh Hendry, chief executive of Eclectica Asset Management, has set his black heart on shorting the entire cosmos.

Well, I spoke to the Scottish lunatic this morning. This is what he had to say for himself: 'Mikey, don't get upset. Business is business. (Hugh, you're insane! You can't short the cosmos. What are you hoping to achieve?) Michael, if the physical cosmos collapses, I will make more money than anyone has ever dreamed of making in the history of the world. (And where will you spend it?) I won't spend it at all. I'll burn it in the astral desert of our love. (Hugh, firstly, you don't know anything about the astral desert of our love. You've never been there. And you're not even welcome, with this attitude. Secondly, the cosmos isn't going to collapse any time soon, so you're going to lose money, aren't you?) I know someone who could arrange it. (Arrange what?) The collapse of the cosmos, its absolute destruction. (Oh, I see. I think I understand. You've had dealings with Jack Pickles.) Jack Pickles? Never heard of him. (You've never heard of Jack Pickles?!) No. What is he, a trader or something? (You must think I'm really stupid, Hugh. Jack is the world's most demonic financier, as you well know. He makes you look like a Boy Scout. And he's the only man alive who has the power to bring about a total collapse of the cosmos. Well, I could probably do it. But he's the only who would have the ambition to do such a thing.) All right, Mikey, I'll fess up. Yes, I've been talking to Jack. You happy now? But he's not demonic in the slightest. He's one of the most charming men I've ever met. He just gets a bad press, that's all. (Hugh, he doesn't get any press, good or bad, man! He controls the media. Even Rupert Murdoch shits himself at the mention of his name. You have no idea what you've got yourself mixed up in, have you? Don't you know who's behind Jack?) Who? (Satan.) Satan?! Are you having a laugh?! Michael, this is the twenty-first century, not the Middle Ages. I think we've all moved on a bit. Satan! (Hugh, listen to me, please. Your soul is in danger. Satan is as real as I am, and as real as you are. He lurks on the lower levels of the astral plane, in his empire of evil, his kingdom of pain, and he's a nasty piece of work, by all accounts. Don't just take my word for it, read Dante.) Yeah, I'll read Dante. (You'll be glad to hear Satan does take prisoners though.) Oh, that's all right then. (However, they have to spend eternity in torment.) Oh. That's not so good. That's the downside, I presume? (Hugh, you're not taking me seriously, are you?) Well, come on, Mike, really. All I want to do is short the cosmos. Jack is a nice guy. It'll work out fine. I'll see you in the desert. (Hugh, you won't be welcome! You're going down to the lower levels! That's where your future lies, unless you wise up.) You're such a drama queen!'

I put the phone down. Slammed it down, in fact. It really pisses me off when people don't take me seriously. But he'll find out. Smug git. He's not genuinely evil. He's just a smug git. I hope I get a chance to see his face the day Jack introduces him to the lord of the lower levels. That'll wipe the smile off. And, yes, he was smiling to himself throughout our phone conversation. I kept an astral eye on him.