Wednesday, 23 February 2011

Hedge funds are asking me to sweep their offices

I didn't understand, at first. Am I supposed to be the fucking janitor or something? No, it's bugs they want me to go after. I didn't understand, at second. Am I supposed to be the fucking pest control man or something? Then they had to sit me down and explain it to me. They're worried that the SEC (this is in America) is listening to their conversations and phone calls, like they are all members of the Gambino crew or [I won't use 'something' again. Oh, as people can see, I'm still using 'I' and I'm still using 'me' (I'd be mad not to) but there is a very pleasing lack of emotion and personal detail. This is progress.] Basically, they think my mystical powers will do the trick. Anyway, here's the sort of thing these hedgies are worried about -

Transcript of a conversation between two hedge fund goombahs

Paulie: Petey, did you get that thing?

Petey: What thing, Paulie?

Paulie: The fuckin' thing I fuckin' tole you to get, the mystical grimoire with fuckin' spells and shit from that freakin' nut.

Petey: You mean Mikey's book? I ain't seen Mikey.

Paulie: You ain't seen Mikey?

Petey: No.

Paulie: Then what the fuck you been doin'?

Petey: I been on the plane. You know where I been.

Paulie: And you're tellin' me you didn't see Mikey on the plane?

Petey: Didn't see him.

Paulie: Don't fuck with me, Petey.

Petey: Paulie -

Paulie: He's fuckin' there floatin' aroun' practically 24/7. How yous supposed not to see him? You fuckin' blind? Where's your fuckin' astral eyes?

Petey: Paulie, I looked all over. If he's there, I'll get the book, no? If he ain't, what can I do? I can't be chasin' after these freakin' fuckin' shamans all through the night. I got to sleep. I got a business to run. You think my fund just brings in money like magic? What the fuck's the matter with you?

Paulie: You stupid bastard.

Petey: What?

Paulie: You stupid fuckin' bastard. If you had the grimoire, the money would come in like magic. That's the whole freakin' idea. And we'd be untouchable. Money from the astral plane. Money from dead financiers. Fuck the SEC! You understand?

Petey: Well, I don't know.

Paulie: You don't know. No, you don't know shit. Leave the thinkin' to me. You get that Mikey cocksucker. You bring him here now. With da fuckin' book. Or I'll whack both of yous.

Petey: Okay, Paulie. Jesus Christ, Paulie. Relax a bit. You're gonna give yourself a heart attack.

Paulie: Just get me that fuckin' grimoire.