Tuesday 2 August 2016

Mike Craston at Aviva Investors must be gutted ...

Oh dear. Poor Mike. Never mind. 'What's the problem, boss?' You'll never believe this, Voice. 'What, boss?' They've only gone and given our Mike more work to do in the middle of the bloody summer season. 'Jesus!' Yeah. No ice cream in the park for our Mike. No lazy days in the sun. 'There isn't much sun, anyway.'

Christ! You see, dear reader(s), Mr Craston is the global head of business development at Aviva Investors. That's a big job by itself. 'What are his responsibilities, boss?' Ha! You wouldn't believe me if I told you. 'Tell me! Tell us! Please!' All right. Mike is a member of the Aviva Investors global executive committee and is responsible for leading the worldwide business development activities targeting Aviva Investors three channels of distribution: Aviva, institutions and financial intermediaries. The areas of business development within his responsibility include worldwide sales, client service, client investment development, marketing, product and communications. 'Impressive! He must be a busy man, man.' Yes, he is. Unfortunately, he's now got to do Kevin Talbot's job as well. 'What?!' Yeah. As if Mike hasn't got enough on his plate! 'Who the hell is Kevin Talbot?!' Mr Talbot, our Kev, is just some guy who was the chief executive and chief investment officer of Aviva Investors Asia Pacific. 'Oh. Was?' Well, he's retiring. Now our Mike has got to do his job, too - for a while, at least. 'In the middle of the summer season?!' Yeah. It's beyond belief.

Of course, there is some good news. 'Ha! Tell them, boss. Tell the readers.' Ah, they should know already. NOBODY DOES ANY WORK AT AVIVA INVESTORS. 'Ha!' It doesn't matter what their fucking title is. 'And it doesn't matter how many titles or "responsibilities" they have.' No. It's a joke. All of it. 'Just to keep the clients happy.' Our Mike will be in the park today with the rest of them, and the best of them. 'On a day like today, boss? It's raining.' Or in the pub.

I'll tell you something, dear reader(s): Mr Craston is probably sitting in the pub with the gang RIGHT NOW(?!) reading this on his mobile and laughing his head off. 'Of course he is!' Get it through your heads! These guys live the life of Riley.

It's the Schroders mugs we should all feel sorry for. 'Poor bastards.' They'll get their reward in heaven, Voice, I'm sure.


Anything else? No, not really. Well, I'm listening to Bob Dylan sing Apple Suckling Tree on The Basement Tapes. It's amazing what you can get away with once you become an established artist. 'Bessie Smith is class though.' That's The Band, man.