Wednesday, 24 August 2016

Neil Woodford ain't paying bonuses no more

At his Woodford Investment Management, man. (Bonuses don't encourage the right behaviour, he reckons.) Apparently, the staff are happy with it, so ... 'Is this Viscount Dr Field Marshal Sir Screaming Lord Woodford, CBE, VC, DSO, MC we're talking about, boss?' Ha! Of course it is! How many Neil Woodfords are there working in finance? 'Well, I only know Viscount Dr Field Marshal Sir Screaming Lord Woodford, CBE, VC, DSO, MC.' Ha! Actually, to be fair to the poor guy, I think he only has the CBE, but ... we like a laugh around here, don't we? 'We certainly do, boss. This is satire.' Fuckin' A it is!

Well, well ... uh. / I can see a problem with this new "no bonus" culture. 'Go on. Tell us.' What if a financial genius emerges from the ranks of Neil's employees, and they start bringing in tons of business? Will he or she be happy with chump change? 'They'll just get a pay rise, man. Or maybe luncheon vouchers. Neil will work it out.' Christ! Luncheon vouchers?!

Oh, I don't know, dear reader(s). I don't like it. I don't like it one little bit. 'The staff like it.' Exactly! They like it. What sort of people are they?! 'Fund managers, analysts, compliance -' I mean, what sort of people are happy with no bonus, working in finance, where it's traditional? 'Er ...' I'll tell you! The sort of people who've got no chance of getting a decent bonus anyway. 'Oh, that's a bit harsh, Mikey.' Well, I said it, son. It's out there now. Let everyone think about that for a while ...

Right, my friend(s). Have you thought about it? Good. Let's move on. / It's a sunny day. There will only be a couple of sunny days in the whole rest of the year, I'm sure. What do you think the Aviva Investors boys and girls are doing ... at this very moment - ?! 'Ha!' Exactly! In the park, ice cream, Shandy Bass, the works. Lazy days of summer. Who's gonna say they're wrong?

So, I'll probably go out later, this afternoon, enjoy myself a bit. Tonight, I'll be working on one or more of the three lyrics I need. And tomorrow night, and Friday night, too. Hopefully, by the weekend I'll be a-rockin' and a-rollin'.

Laters, blog fan(s)!