I'm not gonna pull any punches here. My dear friend, Bobby Diamond - probably my closest friend in the 'square' world of banking, though he ain't no square - is a fucking genius. And everyone in the media who is having a pop at him and Barclays at the moment is a rotten slag. That's the truth of it. Jealousy is a terrible thing. All these fucking journalists who have never made any fucking money in their lives have the gall to criticize Bobby - a man you could describe as the Mozart of investment banking. No wonder that goombah Lloyd Blankfein feels so threatened by him.
O Master, tell them about Protium.
Yeah. Barclays has created this new company, Protium Finance, and it's a killer! Basically, Barclays is going to sell more than $12 billion of risky credit assets to the firm. And can you dig this shit? - Protium will be managed by Stephen King! And Michael Keeley. Yeah, Mike's involved as well. I wasn't going to forget him. O Master, tell them about the management fees. Who the fuck is writing this post? GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!!! O Master, who the fuck was that?! That was Big Herb, you twat! Now shut it and let me concentrate. Yeah. Management fees. Forty-five people are going to share management fees of $400 million. People? Yeah, people. I don't know who. But -
WHAT DOES BOBBY SAY?
Bobby? O Big Herb, you want to know what Bobby says? Well, Bobby, take it away: 'Mikey, man, this was my idea. We got structured credit securities insured by monolines, residential mortgage-backed bonds, unpackaged mortgages. Christ knows what else we got, but we don't want any of it at Barclays. Let's get rid of them! You dig me, baby? The thing is, we can't risk any more writedowns. My original plan was to just dump all these assets on the lower levels of the astral plane. But then I remembered: Jack Pickles is down there with all his demons. Too fucking risky! Imagine it! Jack would go wild! So how did I think of Protium Finance? Man, I was floating in our astral desert - and I was a little stoned, I must admit - and the idea, the concept of Protium, flew into my mind, my soul, my heart, whatever. It's hard to explain. It felt as though a cosmic hurricane was raging inside of me. But there was fire as well. And this incredible light! The whitest, cleanest, most beautiful light all around me. And a voice! This voice -'
O BOBBY DIAMOND, YOU SHALL CREATE A CREDIT VEHICLE, AND IT SHALL BE CALLED PROTIUM.
O Master, that was Big Herb! Big Herb spoke to Bobby. Acid flashback?
O my child, he is here with us now. Big Herb is here.
Yeah, I know. I was joking.
O Big Herb, god of money, say something to my readers, man.
THERE WAS A WAY THAT WILL COME AGAIN. THERE IS A FIRE THAT WILL TAKE EVERYONE. A REVOLUTION WILL SWEEP AWAY THE OLD AND GREY. IT WILL BURN. IT WILL BURN. IT WILL BURN.
Fucking brilliant!
Yeah. Brilliant. What a result for my blog!
