Thursday, 2 July 2020

They must say ... "No!"

They must! Yes! They must! 'Who must, boss?' Shoppers, Voice. Online shoppers. 'Oh, because Jinksy says so.' No, not just him. Me too! I say it.

Shoppers must say "No" to new minimum charge on home deliveries, says ParcelHero.

You see? PR email from our Jinksy. 'Yeah. What a hero!' Shut up!

The Government is planning to consult the public about a new standard delivery charge for home shopping. Just like the plastic bag fee in supermarkets, it aims to discourage overuse of consumer deliveries by making shoppers think again. ParcelHero argues the plan is actually a ploy to replace lost business rates income and that home deliveries - the consumer's saviour during lockdown - are far greener than shopping by car.

Christ! Deliveries already cost too much. Unless you spend more than twenty pounds on Amazon, which I don't most of the time. The government will probably add a couple of quid to the cost.

Following this month's report by the Department for Transport (DfT) Science Advisory Council on home deliveries, the Government is planning to ask the public and retailers for their views on the introduction of a charge on home deliveries. The DfT's 'Position Paper on Last Mile Logistics' recommends: 'A mandatory charge, similar to that implemented by the government to discourage plastic carrier bag use, could be applied to all consumer deliveries and returns to encourage consumers to recognise their true business, societal and environmental cost, and hence encourage more sustainable behaviour.'

Sustainable behaviour?! 'Ha, ha, ha!' They don't care about that. They just want the money. 'To pay for The Thing, boss.' Well, yes, that's going to cost a fortune over the years, ain't it? And you can be sure that hedge fund managers and the like won't mind paying more for their parcels. 'As long as the government leaves their earnings alone.' Exactly!

The home delivery specialist ParcelHero says the new delivery tax is likely to be considerably more expensive than a 5p carrier bag, however. Speculation within the industry suggests it will be at least £2 per delivery or 3% of the value of the average overall UK online order of £62, in order to have an impact on consumer behaviour.

You see? Two pounds. People who can't afford it will have to go shopping the old way. 'And risk their health.' Yeah. 'When are you getting your hair cut?' I don't know yet, Voice. Maybe I'll become a hippie.

Says ParcelHero's Head of Consumer Research, David Jinks MILT: "The Government's expected consultation with consumers follows a questionable DfT paper on the impact of home deliveries. The report was remarkably well-timed for a Government facing a drastic loss of income from business rates, which clawed in £25bn a year before The Thing hit. This amount has been slashed because of emergency Thing rates relief on retail premises.

"In April, the Government quietly introduced its new 2% Digital Services Tax on the UK earnings of large online marketplaces, social media platforms and search engines, which is likely to rake in £440m. Obviously, that still leaves a massive shortfall in lost revenues and the Government clearly wants a second bite of the e-commerce cherry - this time directly out of the pockets of Britain's beleaguered shoppers."

Yeah. Beleaguered shoppers. Ordinary people. Not hedge fund managers. 'And the like.' Yes, and the like.

"It's hard to believe that the Government has chosen such a sensitive time to start planning a home delivery charge. While The Thing remains such a significant threat, it amounts to little more than a tax on the frail and elderly, many of whom have just started shopping online for the first time to shield themselves from the impact of The Thing. Our town centres remain quiet while people avoid using public transport and entering crowded spaces, meaning that some specialist stores that have reopened are often only seeing five or six visitors a day. Their web sales are keeping them afloat and a new delivery charge could sink them."

Okay, okay.


Uh. There's actually a lot more of this email. We all know that Jinksy loves the sound of his own voice. 'Voice? The look of his own words, boss ... in the email, like.' Eh? Yeah, whatever.

So, that's the ENDS of that.

I wonder if Jinksy has ... a Voice, like I do. 'Ha! He's nuts, boss, but not that nuts.' Shut up, idiot!


Anything else? Not at the moment, kook(s), no. I'll be doing another post after lunch. About music, probably. I mean ... you know what I mean. I love music. I don't love finance. Or parcels.