Tuesday, 15 March 2011

I wish someone would tell me who Todd Kata is

Then I could sleep nights. It's no use saying: 'Todd Kata is a senior analyst on the equities team within hedge fund research at Man Group. Oh, and he reports to Robin Lowe'. What could that possibly mean to one such as I? A man is not his job. Let me spell it out for the hard of thinking. Todd Kata is NOT a senior analyst on the equities team within hedge fund research at Man Group. He does not report to Robin Lowe. (Robin Lowe is NOT the head of equities.) Are we making progress? Are we seeing the light?

And I suppose it's only a matter of time. Yes, it's only a matter of time before someone pipes up: 'Todd is responsible for the sourcing, monitoring and ongoing due diligence of long/short equity funds. You'll find him in New York, if you look hard enough'. No, I won't. I'm afraid I won't be going anywhere near New York - even though my angel is there. (Let her come to me. I refuse to crawl to these women. Even the angelic ones.) What a life! Who would choose to spend his or her time like this? Only a lunatic.

I am not a lunatic. I have chosen to investigate Mr Kata for the sake of my health. I don't care about Man Group. My diving into the core of his being is important. If I can smash the mystery of Todd Kata into a billion pieces and present him as a member of the human race in front of us, right here, right now, or over there, later, in front of the Man people, I know I'll be able to sleep again. 'Here he is. Here is a man. There is nothing more to say.' That's my dream. It's Man Group's nightmare. Man Group is going to hate me if I manage to reveal the essence of Todd Kata. In their faces! Why? Well, what do you think the effect on his colleagues will be? If they saw Todd for the first time in all his raw humanity, naked as a newborn babe, without a job, without an employer, without a name, it would be devastating. The domino effect. Imagine! Even 'Todd Kata' would be stripped away. Everyone at Man Group (the slaves, I mean) would rise from their desks. Clothes would be torn off. Identities would be lost in a mess of singing and dancing and fucking. It would be total chaos. And I would be there, in spirit, a shadow in the corner, grinning maniacally before floating off home for a well-deserved rest, no, a sleep, a long sleep, the sort of which you normally only associate with a corpse in a grave. Dead to the physical cosmos! But alive in dreamworld!

Maybe I should calm down a bit. I promised myself that I wouldn't get this excited again. The skull of a man, with no flesh, is coming up, bubbling to the surface. The awful things I see! Once you have opened the gate, you cannot close it without a titanic struggle. I don't know if I have the strength. Oh yes I do! This is the new me, remember? Not the old one, sad and broken in a pile of rubbish, but the new one, sailing on and on and on, to happiness!