Tuesday, 1 March 2011

My exclusive interview with Charlie Sheen

"People beyond myself are relying on that money to fuel the magic."

That was Charlie Sheen yesterday, speaking to a TV interviewer. Well, I was intrigued, so I used one of my showbiz contacts to get my own interview with the great man. Here it is in all its unedited glory (all rights reserved) -

Mikey: Charlie, first of all, I want to thank you for agreeing to be interviewed like this over the telephone. I know you're very busy, what with the porn stars, the drugs, and everything.

Charlie: Mikey, it's a pleasure. Or it will be a pleasure. I just know it, man. I actually been reading you some time now. I feel like we're kindred spirits. It's like we were gone, yeah, both of us, lost children who got all fucked up, and then we found each other in the Garden of Eden, you know? So when Jake told me you wanted to speak, I thought, yeah, why not? Oh, I'm off the drugs.

Mikey: You're off the drugs?!

Charlie: I'm clean, man.

Mikey: That's amazing. How did you manage that?

Charlie: When you got yourself, when you got life, you don't need nothing else. I'm high on Charlie, me, myself, The Charlie Sheen Machine, you dig? That's me. Don't need no coke, no weed, no peyote. Nothing! And it ain't dull, not for a minute, if that's what you're thinking. I get visions, natural visions, just like you. You've helped me a lot, Mikey. I've trained my mind to go through the pain that those studio devils have been laying on me. Devils, demons, whatnot? I'm surrounded by them! But they'll be fucking dead in the dust one day. They will be dust, while I'm still rolling, you understand?

Mikey: I can relate to that. We are alike in so many ways. It's like when I'm really deep, in myself, cut off from all the squares, in my own zone, so to speak, it's like there ain't nothing that can touch me, and so I don't need anything, and so it is, it is, it is like a drug or something, being a shaman like no man. The peyote can be useful, but you don't need it. Or I find I don't. I can just step into a vision, man, another reality, then BANG! I'm fucking gone and no one can find me.

Charlie: That's what I'm talking about!

Mikey: What's this about the money? I mean, that's what got me interested.

Charlie: I don't have a job. I was the highest paid star on TV. But then I had to deal with maggots and earthworms, then guess what?

Mikey: You got fired, Charlie.

Charlie: Yeah, I got fired. That's why I'm suing everyone. To get the money I'm owed. Warner Brothers and CBS are going to be worshipping me like a god by the time I'm finished with them, and all their fucking money is gonna be in my pocket, where it belongs. What's theirs is mine, and what's mine, who knows or cares? Am I right? I got feet here that ain't been licked. Bree won't touch them. That's what I’m up against. But someone will lick them. Someone will, 'cos I'm out for vengeance like a pissed-off tornado! I got armies, you dig? Of these little invisible fellas, not goblins, you'll be glad to hear. You can see those, can't you?

Mikey: I don't know.

Charlie: I'll be back on top. Don't worry about me. Once I got the money. As you say, money's the way. I'll own Warner Brothers. I'll own them CBS. Those fucks can't fuck, not with someone who's basically been there on the edge like a vampire, but then pulled back, all serene, just looking around now, like the Dalai Lama or ...

Mikey: Or a shaman. A money man financial shaman in the desert.

Charlie: Fuckin' A!

Mikey: You see, Charlie, that's what they don't understand. We ain't normal. I don't mean we're fucking freaks. I ain't saying that. But we ain't normal. That's for sure. What are they dealing with when they deal with us? Because I've had my share. You're not alone in this, Charlie. I've been down, broken, people pissing in my face, thinking I'm finished, but I was up again, charging them in my golden mystic chariot, crushing them like Krishna, well, Arjuna, I don't know how involved the blue guy was, yeah? It's not like I gave up. Did I die or cry with shame and despair?

Charlie: You took the fight to them, Mike. I know. I mean, I don't know everything. I don't know the whole story with you. It sounds crazy that you had these punks taking you for a fool. And I want a chariot. I fucking want one! I hear you talk, I swear to Christ. Who would stop me?

Mikey: No one, man. No one. Oh, Charlie, I got to ask you, who are these people beyond you, out there, presumably, who are trying to fuel the magic?

Charlie: With my fucking money, Mikey! Don't forget that.

Mikey: Who are they?

Charlie: Friends, associates, loved ones, family. I'm taking everyone on a magic carpet ride. Hey, I don't need a chariot! I forgot! It's those drugs that put holes in my head where all the thoughts fall through. Jesus! So, yeah, it takes big money to fill that old carpet up to the brim. I'm taking them with me. Bree, Natalie, even Brooke and the kids. It's gonna be a gas! Because what is life, Mikey?

Mikey: Charlie, you're either living or you're dying.

Charlie: Damn straight.

Mikey: In the final analysis, money is only worth what someone thinks it's worth. So fuel the magic, man, and fly away. I'd be coming with you if I didn't have so many responsibilities here on earth.

Charlie: I wish you could come.

Mikey: Charlie, you know, maybe I will. Maybe I'll go fucking nuts and drop everything, you know?

Charlie: You should.

Mikey: Charlie, man, I'm not gonna take up any more of your time. It's been fucking great!

Charlie: Okay, Mikey. It has certainly been a pleasure.

Mikey: You're a fucking star, Charlie. Don't forget that, man. Take care.

Charlie: See ya, Mike. Give my love to the ghosts, and the angel.