Wednesday, 4 May 2016

Steven Cohen says there are too many hedge funds

I mean Stevie Cohen, of course. Our Stevie. Yeah, he reckons there are too many hedge funds around, which means ... he isn't able to make as much money as he would normally like. In fact, his firm Point72 Asset Management has had a few losses lately. 'Oh dear! What is Mr Cohen going to do, boss?'

Well, hopefully, it's only a temporary run of bad luck. Actually, Point72 is at zero now. So things have picked up a bit. But the problem is all these other hedge funds, man, with similar strategies. What right do they have to compete against our Stevie? 'No right, boss. And Mr Cohen should do something about them.' Like what? 'I don't know ... exactly. What do I know? But I'm sure Mr Cohen can find a way to mess with their heads, as it were, these competitors, and put them off ... maybe drive them out of business. Mr Cohen is a genius, after all.' Can you stop calling him Mr Cohen please? You're winding me up, right? He's our Stevie, remember? Always has been. 'Really? I mean, I know we like to joke ...' Don't you know he sent me an email? 'When?' The other week. 'Oh. What did he say?' He said, Mikey, I like you, man. I feel very close to you. Honestly. You have a wonderful philosophy, and those mystic kooks of yours are great guys. I'm glad I'm your Stevie. 'He said all that?!' Yes, and more. So forget about all this "Mr Cohen" shit. That's for the squares, the idiots, the poor sods who don't have a connection with him.

Anyway, I hope it all works out for Stevie and Point72. Zero isn't that bad. It's only May. By the end of the year, dear reader(s), he'll be back on top again. Don't worry about a thing. You worry too much, you know?


Anything else? Oh, I'm sure there is. However, I don't have a clue what it is. So ... yeah. Never mind.

Hang on a minute! I know! I might get a wireless speaker for my phone, to help with my jamming along to backing tracks. 'Where's that video, Mikey?' Oh, you mean ... I'll put it up again, for a while (below). / Reader(s), I can play BETTER(!!!) than in that video now, just through doing a few sessions with the YouTube backing track I told you about. It really improves timing and phrasing, man.