Tuesday, 30 September 2008

HBOS takeover deal will fail

Yeah. Just been looking at the rune stones again.

The HBOS takeover deal will not happen. Its share price is being smashed this morning. No way can it go ahead now.

That's what the stones are telling me.

Interest rate cuts today?

I don't know. I don't know.

I am casting the rune stones. I am reading the tarot cards. I am conversing with the spirits of the dead. I am looking for answers.

Please bear with me.

There's something going on at 10 Downing Street today. A meeting with Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling, FSA, Bank of England ...

Something is ...

I don't know. If only I could get one of my ghost mates to spy on them. I'll look into it.

Cloud cuckoo land

I was listening to Michael Heseltine on the radio this morning. He says that we are living in uncertain times and that anyone who believes otherwise is living in cloud cuckoo land.

Well, no one has ever accused me of living in cloud cuckoo land, but I am certain of one thing: EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.

How do I know this? Well, I have just spent half the night on the astral plane with Big Herb. We had a real heart-to-heart. And let me tell you, Big Herb feels your pain. The god was in tears at one point. I was in tears myself. A very emotional night. I didn't get to bed until about four in the morning.

O my children, my brothers, my sisters, WE ARE BEING TESTED.

We will get through this. A new world is being created. Yes, a new world where mystical capitalism will reign supreme. Big Herb told me. He said that the old world must die for the new one to be born. O my children, my brothers, my sisters, IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. I was blind, but now I can see. Everything must be destroyed. This is not a bad thing. Because everything will be rebuilt in the fire of Big Herb's holy love.

A quote from W.B. Yeats is in order!

All things fall and are built again
And those that build them again are gay.

I'm not too sure about the gay thing, but those lines were written in 1938. I think it had a different meaning back then. I wouldn't worry about it.

Monday, 29 September 2008

$700 billion bailout rejected

The House of Representatives has just rejected the $700 billion bailout. So what now? Who knows?

Today has been a very depressing day. The FTSE 100 fell by 270 points. Bank shares were down. Bradford & Bingley nationalized.

I am determined to find some good news for tomorrow. I'm going to be spending most of tonight on the astral plane. I will speak personally to Big Herb.

Hendrik du Toit: we don’t walk on water

Speak for yourself, mate. The chief executive of Investec Asset Management, Hendrik du Toit, has been telling anyone who will listen that asset managers don't walk on water. Well, how does he know?

I have been speaking to award-winning financial psychic Keith Busby. He told me, 'Hendrik doesn't have a clue. I've met loads of asset managers who can walk on water. They just don't go around telling all and sundry, that's all. What is this man trying to do? Obviously, there is a backlash against mystical capitalism going on at the moment, and people like Hendrik are coming out of the woodwork, desperate to let it be known that they are normal people. But it won't wash. Maybe Hendrik doesn't walk on water, but we should be asking him what he does do. Does he pray to Big Herb or Ganesh? Does he converse with the spirits of the dead? Has he ever danced naked in the desert with the fire of money in his eyes? I want answers to these questions. Come on, Hendrik, be honest. You owe it to your clients.'

Yes, Hendrik, you owe it to your clients. Let's hear what you've got to say.

Christophe Bernard: 10,000 hedge funds

I have been speaking to Christophe Bernard from UBP. Yes, I have. He told me, 'There are 10,000 hedge funds sitting on the wall, 10,000 hedge funds sitting on the wall, and if one hedge fund should accidentally fall, there'll be 9,999 hedge funds sitting on the wall.'

I don't know why I bother sometimes. I really don't. I wish I could get more sense out of these people. What was all that about?

But that's the credit crunch for you. A lot of people have become totally unhinged.

Dear reader, I have no idea what state of mind you're in. For all I know, you could be just like poor Christophe. Occasionally, readers email me or ask to be my friend on Facebook - and they all seem to be decent, upstanding members of society. But I'm worried about the silent ones. The ones who lurk on my blog. Christ knows what is going on in their minds. The credit crunch has damaged so many people. So many lost souls have been drawn to my blog. I guess I'll just have to live with it.

Colin Keogh leaving Close Brothers

Yeah. Sad times. The chief executive of Close Brothers, Colin Keogh, will probably leave within six months. He has been under pressure from shareholders to find a new strategy for the company.

A new strategy? Are these shareholder freaks out of their friggin' minds? What was wrong with the old strategy? Colin was the one who brought in all the financial shamans and money mystics. He was actually trying to change the bank, and prepare for a glorious future. The credit crunch is not his fault. And he is not to blame for all the takeover talks that came to nothing. The takeover talks failed because the gods were not consulted. And that was because certain squares at Close Brothers didn't even believe in the existence of the gods. How can anyone do business in such an environment?

Colin, mate, you're well out of it. Thank your lucky stars.

Friday, 26 September 2008

Jim Chanos speaks of the evil ones

Jim Chanos - a top short-selling hedge fund manager and the big man at Kynikos Associates - has been speaking of the evil ones. He told me, 'There is a great evil in the financial markets. Some of the firms that have failed did not tell the truth about the risks they were facing. They misled everyone. Why did they do it? Oh, they had darkness in their hearts! Evil-doers do evil things. We all know this. We all know that the serpent is waiting for us. We've seen the rune stones. Things can only get worse. There will come a time when fire will fill the sky, and Satan's dark angels, diabolical demons, will rise from the bowels of the earth and devour us! O people, repent! It's not too late. I will change as well. I won't short any more. O Jesus, please believe me. Have mercy on me. I SHALL SHORT NO MORE!!!'

People familiar with the situation have said that Mr Chanos has gone totally insane. A bit like that priest in The Omen. But I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. He didn't mention Jack Pickles when I spoke to him, but it's pretty obvious that Jim has had dealings with the man. That's what happens when you work with Jack. Dark fears enter your heart, your mind, your very soul. You can't sleep at night. You hear the screams of tormented traders. Shadows follow you. There is a terrible smell everywhere you go. Your teeth chatter for no reason. Your body can shake uncontrollably. You feel alone, even in a crowded room. Strange thoughts enter your head. Strange desires.

I could go on, but I won't. You understand, don’t you? IF YOU EVER MEET JACK AND HE OFFERS YOU A JOB OR A DEAL OR ANYTHING, YOU MUST SAY NO.

Thursday, 25 September 2008

Worshipping the false god of money?

I have been speaking to Dr John. He told me, 'Such a night. It's such a night. Sweet confusion under the moonlight …'

Well, Christ knows what that was all about.

Then I spoke with David Pitt - chief priest in the cult of Big Herb. He told me, 'Worshipping the false god of money? Are these socialist muthas for real? There ain't nothing false about Big Herb. He's the money god we all look up to. He makes money burn for us. He will lead us out of the darkness. Do you believe? Michael, do you believe? Of course you do. Do your readers believe? Does money live in their dreams? Yes. Dr John should stick to music.'

Amen to that.

Rise above the risk

In the mountains, there you feel free.

Become a hermit. Surrounded by goats. A mountain cave. Thus spoke Zarathustra. I am a rock. I am an island. We all want confidence in an uncertain world.

Is the desert safe?

Let's head for the hills! The mountains!

Look into my heart! Put your hand in my heart. I will show you fear in a handful of dust.

Hoo ha ha
Hoo ha ha

Wednesday, 24 September 2008

Warren Buffett to the rescue!

Warren Buffett has just put $5 billion of his loose change into Goldman Sachs. This sends out a powerful message to everyone. IF WARREN BUFFETT SAYS GOLDMAN IS OKAY, THEN IT IS OKAY. Great. I am so pleased.

I have been speaking to Warren about this deal. He told me, 'Michael, I have become a big fan of your blog over the last few months. It makes me feel better about life. I feel a part of something. Can you have a look at my chakras? I'm sure my aura shouldn't be this colour. Can you do anything about it? And about those ghosts -’

Unfortunately, Warren didn't want to talk about the deal. He said his main concern right now was the state of his soul. Well, it's a sign of the times. I put him in touch with Keith Busby.

Luke Johnson: march or die!

Luke Johnson has just announced that he will be joining the French Foreign Legion.

I have been speaking to Luke. He told me, 'This ain't no mystical shit. I'm talking about the desert in purely physical terms. I love the desert, and I want to crawl through it after my entire platoon has been wiped out. The vultures above me. The sun. The murderous heat. Water! Water! I can't wait. It's going to be an adventure. I want a man's life. I want to drink hard whisky and get into arm-wrestling competitions. I want to be desert scum. You Legionnaires are soldiers in order to die, and I am sending you where you can die. I love all that. Let's remember Jean Danjou - the hero of Camerone. Let's remember the Battle of Dien Bien Phu. Let's remember all the boys who died in Algeria. I have a rendezvous with Death at some disputed barricade, I have a -'

All right, Luke, we get the idea.

Tuesday, 23 September 2008

Toxic

The poison in the desert. The death in our eyes. The fear in our hearts.

O Big Herb, forgive them.

O Big Herb, forgive them. For they know not what they've done.

But Jack knows. And you can't forgive him.

Monday, 22 September 2008

Marja Kooistra goes to T Rowe Price

Well, some good news. Someone has got a new job. Marja Kooistra has been hired by T Rowe Price to sort out relationships in Europe. What's that all about? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm happy for the girl, but what will she be doing?

I have been speaking to Keith Busby, and he told me, 'I've got a bit of experience in this area. Basically, as we all know, in many firms there is a lot of conflict between financial shamans and money mystics and your traditional bankers and traders. They don't get on. The shamans and mystics have tried their best to make friends, but it's the jealousy, you see. I once did a few days relationship consultancy work for Goldman Sachs. This was in the early days. It only had a handful of mystical workers at that point. Well, one very well-known Goldman banker - I won't name him - came up to me, and oh, the foul language that spewed out of his mouth! It was like being down by the docks or something. It was absolutely shocking. You know, F this, F that, those fucking shamans. It was pure jealousy. And he was a very wealthy man. You would have thought he would have felt more secure in his position. But he was threatened by the shamans. Their strange ways, their ceremonial gowns, their - and, oh yeah, I did away with the gowns. They had to go. I told the shamans that if they wanted to fit in, they would have to wear suits. Made a small concession with the white sheets. That improved matters. They didn't seem so alien then. And it worked out fine. The shamans are an established part of the set-up at Goldman now.'

But Goldman Sachs is going to be regulated! Will things change?

I have been speaking to Arthur Simmons. He told me, 'There shouldn't be any trouble, but if there is, Goldman will just hide its financial shamans. Maybe the bank will put more of its shamans into basements - like the shamans committee in London. And just bolt the door, and pretend they don't exist. I'm surprised the bank wants to be regulated. Maybe it had no choice. It takes all sorts to make a world.'

Yes, it does. Oh, Marja, almost forgot about you. Congratulations on the new job!

Arch Financial Products: into the desert!

Yeah. It's a sign of the times. Arch Financial Products has launched a sub-Saharan Africa fund. Let's hear it for the Arch Africa Private Markets Focus IC fund!

Not my normal desert, by the way, the Sahara. I'm not telling you where I hide out. But I suppose I welcome this move by Arch Financial Products. It's a smart move. Doing business in the desert. Yes, in the desert. Don't pay too much attention to the 'sub-Saharan' thing. These crazy bastards are actually in the goddamn desert. And they were trying to keep it quiet. Ha ha. Never mind. Nothing gets past me.

Dear reader, you're probably asking yourself, physical or astral? Er, it doesn't really matter. I presume Arch is dealing with the physical desert for the most part, but I should imagine it will also want to do business on the astral plane. It's important to exploit the synergies between any physical and astral desert. You can make more money that way. With seed capital of $12 million, the fund has returned 2.75 per cent so far. Not bad. There is room for improvement though.

I wonder if Arch is making best use of all the available ghosts. The ghosts of the dead financiers will be more than happy to help out. They've been discussing the future of desert finance and banking for some time now. Their thinking is that all the top firms should move away from the City of London and Wall Street, and start afresh in the desert. I am against that, personally. The desert is a place of refuge for financial shamans. A place where they can burn with money in peace, and not worry too much about the bottom line. If it became overly commercialized a lot of the mysticism would be squeezed out. Also, the ghosts are not considering the fact that the majority of bankers, traders, and analysts are still stuck in the old ways. Many of them despise the new creed of mystical capitalism. Can you really imagine them relocating to the desert? Can you imagine the pampered wife of a hedge fund manager living in a cave? No, it ain't gonna happen.

Let's keep the desert sacred!

Investment banking is no more

Like a dead parrot. I can't believe it. I'm going to try and concentrate on good news today - if I can manage it - but first this: Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley have become regulated banks! I suppose investment banking will continue, but no longer as a separate business. And Goldman and Morgan are now subject to bank capital requirements.

I was going to write about Henry Ramallo at Neuberger Berman. He was saying that Goldman Sachs would not survive. Well, it has survived. But …

Maybe I should get out of this game. Return to the desert. I spent eight years in the desert. The golden years of my youth. Maybe I should stay in a cave until this all blows over. But for how many years? Five years? Ten years?

The desert is calling me. It wants to own me. It wants to take me.

O desert, your emptiness is so appealing! It matches the emptiness in my soul. The pain in my eyes. The cold money in my wallet. The shares that will not burn. O desert, come for me! Take me in your arms! That doesn't make sense. You don't have any arms. But who can make sense of anything right now? Maybe I will come to you. Get lost in your sand dunes. Find a nice warm cave. A campfire. The moon. The ghosts. My tears will dry in the wind. I will forget. I will forget. I will …

I need to be saved.

Saturday, 20 September 2008

Simon Cawkwell

I have been speaking to Evel Knievel - known to his friends as Simon Cawkwell - and he told me, 'I'm really not that evil or evel or whatever at all. I'm a charming chap. It's Jack Pickles everyone should be worried about. God knows how much money he has made this week. All this nonsense about banning short-selling. Jack will find a way around that. It is a triumph of the ignoramuses, that's what it is. And everything's completely fucked. Even the astral plane! I went on to the plane late last night, and the joint was in utter chaos. Where's my Burgundy? Give me my Burgundy!'

Well, Simon - I'm sorry, Evel - I'm sure turning to drink is not the answer. You've got to have faith. You've got to believe in the future. Has money ever burnt within you? You talk of the astral plane, but I've never seen you there. Evel, mate, I advise you to pop along to your local Big Herb temple. I think there's a new one in Holland Park. Give it a go. What have you got to lose?

Friday, 19 September 2008

FTSE 100 up 8.8 per cent

YES! YES! YES!

Oh thank you, Big Herb. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

O Big Herb, you're simply the best!

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil

Forget about everything else. Just concentrate on the candle.

The mystic candle is the light in our darkness. It will lead us out of the darkness. It will protect us. It will guide us.

The guardians have released it. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Soon it will be gone.

I am a monkey. You are a monkey. Everyone is a monkey.

Thursday, 18 September 2008

FSA bans short-selling

I ain't going into the desert - what's the point?

The FSA has just announced that it is going to ban short-selling, or restrict it, or something. I don't know what's going on. I can't get any satisfaction. Big Herb is incommunicado. The ghosts of the dead financiers wouldn't say boo to a goose. Robert Peston keeps talking in a strange voice.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. HELP!!!

The hollow man

That's it! I'm off to death's other kingdom. No, actually, it's not quite that bad. I'm going into the desert - the physical one - and I won't be back until Monday next week.

I don't want any emails. I don't want anyone contacting me on Facebook. I ain't going anywhere near the astral plane. I want to be alone.

If I see Jack, I'll kill him. I'll do it with my bare hands.

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a blog post.

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

David Viniar says ...

I have been speaking to David Viniar. For those of you who don't know nothing about nothing, David is the chief financial officer at Goldman Sachs. I can't say we're close friends, but we are on nodding terms. I've noticed he's been popping up on the astral plane a bit lately.

Anyway, David says: 'I would just like to thank Michael Fowke, Arthur Simmons, Keith Busby, Big Herb, Ganesh, and the ghosts of the dead financiers for supporting Goldman in this difficult time. Sure, we reported a 70 per cent drop in our earnings yesterday, but we are still standing. If Michael and the lads hadn't had been behind us this last few days, God knows what would have happened. We may have found ourselves in a Lehman or Merrill situation. But that won't happen now. Goldman is a strong bank. We employ the best shamans. We are the most mystical bank in the world. The future is bright.'

Thank you for that, David.

We need optimists like David. We've got to believe that the future is bright. Let the future burn in our dreams!

Monday, 15 September 2008

HBOS falling, falling, falling …

No, no, no! This can't be happening. HBOS seems to have lost a third of its value this morning! What is going on?

I must stay calm. You, my dear readers, must stay calm. Take deep breaths. Imagine a nice spot in the desert on the astral plane in your subconscious. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Keep breathing. We will get through this. WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

We must protect Goldman Sachs

Just come back from the meeting, and I am absolutely knackered. God knows what state my aura is in. And please, don't even talk to me about my chakras. Don't go there!

Jesus H. Christ was nowhere to be seen. Are any of you surprised? Big Herb was there - actually the first time I've seen him in his new astral form as a money god. Very impressed. Ganesh was there, looking very fit and healthy. The ghosts of the dead financiers looked a bit pale. It could be down to the stress, I suppose; but they've never really been rosy-cheeked, if you know what I mean. Anyway, we discussed Lehman Brothers and Merrill Lynch. There were a lot of tears, a lot of wailing and gnashing of teeth. THEN WE DECIDED. Goldman Sachs must be protected at all costs. Big Herb said, 'We must protect Goldman Sachs. It is the greatest investment bank on earth. It employs the most shamans and mystics. It is seriously committed to mystical capitalism. The bank must not fail!' That got a massive round of applause. So, we are putting all our energy into supporting Goldman.

I have been speaking to Arthur Simmons. He told me, 'Well, that went well, didn't it? Where was Jesus H. Christ? Never mind. I'm in full agreement with Big Herb. I can't imagine Goldman is in any danger, but we must all be vigilant. Speaking personally, I am prepared to lay down my life for Goldman Sachs. I love that friggin' bank, and I will do everything in my power to make sure it lives on in a mad burning frenzy of pure money.'

Amen to that.

There is a great evil in the air tonight

O my children, my brothers, my sisters, I have just woken from a terrible dream. In the darkness I can feel an evil like I have never felt before. This is beyond Jack Pickles. His master, Satan himself, has entered the game now!

I am doing everything I can. I will soon be going into an emergency meeting on the astral plane with Big Herb, Ganesh, the ghosts of the dead financiers, and all the other top players. Rumour has it that Jesus may even put in an appearance. Yes, Jesus H. Christ. He's not even interested in finance and banking, but that's how serious the situation is right now.

See you in the morning. Sleep tight, my disciples.

Friday, 12 September 2008

Damien Hirst: The Golden Calf

O Golden Calf, we worship thee, but how much are you worth? £8 million! £9 million! £10 million! £11 million! £12 million! £13 million! £14 million! £15 million!

You are priceless! O Golden Calf, your hooves are so beautiful! Your horns are majestic!

O Golden Calf, come with me into the desert, we will burn together with the ghosts of the dead financiers. Money will swirl around us. The vultures will not touch us. We will dance beneath the moon. We will swim through the astral sky with stars burning in our eyes like angels on peyote!

O Golden Calf, I love you!

Thursday, 11 September 2008

RAB Capital: it's a mad, mad, mad, mad world

Yeah. Apparently, RAB Capital has been putting the frighteners on its investors. Telling them: stick with us or we'll send the boys round with pliers and a blowtorch. Is this any way to do business?

I have been speaking to my dear friend No One - the chief executive of Nothing - and he told me, 'RAB Capital has lost so much money. Lakshmi Mittal, who invested in RAB's Special Situations fund, has lost so much money. What should he do? A lot of people are saying he should get Ganesh involved, a curse or something, but fuck that shit, man! Any motherfuckers lost my money and I would set my enforcers on them, my hired thugs. No one messes with me! No one loses my money! Philip Richards or Stephen Couttie or whoever, I don't give a shit. Bring it on!'

Jesus! No One, mate, you don't even have any money invested in RAB. What are you getting so emotional about?

Wednesday, 10 September 2008

Communists gloating over Lehman troubles

I'm not going to name names - not yet, but certain communist agitators are gloating over the trouble that Lehman Brothers is in at the moment. The falling share price. Dick Fuld. They couldn't wait to put the boot in. I'm disgusted.

I have been speaking to my dear friend No One - the chief executive of Nothing - and he told me, 'These commie sons of bitches make me sick. What do these people want? If they don't like it here, why don't these mofos go and live in Cuba or North Korea? Big Herb should do something.'

Oh, have no fear. Big Herb will get these commie bastards. You better believe it, baby!

Jack Pickles was behind stock exchange meltdown

Well, this is shocking. Absolutely shocking. So it was Jack. I can't believe it. I knew Jack was evil. But I didn't know he was this evil. To close down the London Stock Exchange like that. The power of the man! The awful, demonic power of Jack. It makes your head spin, doesn't it? It makes your chakras vibrate, doesn't it? Shocking.

I have been speaking to No One - the chief executive of Nothing - and he told me, 'I knew it was Jack. It was like that scene in The Italian Job when Michael Caine and Benny Hill fucked all the traffic in Turin. I just knew as soon as it happened that Jack was the evil genius behind it. What can we do about him? This guy has Satan backing him up. How can we fight a man who is in a business partnership with Satan? Never have I felt so weak, so lost. I feel like I'm wandering in a waste land. A crowd flowed over London Bridge, so many, I had not thought death had undone so many. I can't feel my legs! O Jesus, have mercy on me! I love you, O beautiful Jesus, SAVE ME!!!'

Burning burning burning burning

La la

Shocking

Tuesday, 9 September 2008

O Cenkos Securities

O Cenkos Securities, Big Herb loves you! Ganesh loves you! The ghosts of the dead financiers love you!

Rejoice!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE BLESSED!

Monday, 8 September 2008

Barclays Capital: Target Alpha Programme

Barclays Capital is blurring the line between this world and the next with its new product - the Target Alpha Programme!

Let Shachi Shah explain. She says: 'We saw a gap. In this gap, we saw wonders. Souls so very old, ghosts of ancient financiers, and living, breathing traders! It amazed us. The gap is where the two worlds meet, physical and astral, and we will fill that gap with the Target Alpha Programme. Some crazy people are saying all sorts. Talking about bonds, equities, I don't know what. But let's concentrate on the soul. Forget about limiting volatility - that's so old school. Have you seen the desert at night? I know you have, Michael, but this is for your readers. Have you seen the moon in the desert? Do you know there are ghosts on the moon?'

Okay. I had to stop her there. I'm still not sure I understand what this Target Alpha shit is all about, but Shachi is a nice girl. Let's give her the benefit of the doubt.

London Stock Exchange halts trading!!!

There's been a computer crash! LSE in trouble! Jack Pickles - where is he? I'm looking into this right now. Don't panic! If Jack is responsible, it will be his most audacious move yet. Surely not even Jack is this evil.

AlixPartners: when it really matters you want the voice of Big Herb

Ain't that the truth! I can relate to that.

I remember my darkest night, my dark night of the soul! Jack Pickles was trying to take me over, but then - out of nowhere - I heard that golden voice. The voice of Big Herb. And he spake unto me: 'O Michael, you are the money king. You can do anything. You must fight Jack. You must fight him on the astral plane. You must fight him in the desert. You must fight him in the City. You will never surrender!'

And that's all I needed. Talk about a shot in the arm.

Unigestion hires Konstantinos Lordanidis

Yeah, Konstantinos has left Olympia Capital Management - Zeus must be gutted - and he will now be the head of hedge funds at Unigestion.

Kon, mate, I urge you to put yourself under the protection of Big Herb. Do it today. These ancient gods can be a bit funny about defectors. Have you seen Jason and the Argonauts? Well, never mind, just get in touch with Big Herb. He'll look after you.

John Paulson: Recovery fund

This is what I'm talking about. This is what I like to see. John Paulson - the big man at Paulson & Co - is launching his Recovery fund on October 1. This guy believes in the future. He believes in money. The guy has got a POSITIVE ATTITUDE.

However, John has told one of his clients that the magic moment in distressed debt is still some way off. When will we see it? Good question. Personally, I believe in magic. I even believe in fairies at the bottom of the garden - that's how freakin’ nuts I am! But Paulson believes as well. He's not a cold earth wanderer, oh no. I've seen this guy on the astral plane, and he's an animal for the burning. Do you know what I mean? Do you know where I'm coming from? Of course you do. You're not stupid. Just don't tell everyone, all right?

The magic moment is coming. You've got to believe.

Thursday, 4 September 2008

Carsten Kengeter: congratulations!

UBS has just announced that Carsten Kengeter is to become its new global head of fixed income, currencies and commodities trading.

I know Carsten quite well. I've spent time in the desert with him, and he is a first-class financial shaman. When he takes up his new position he will be moving to London, so I look forward to going out for a drink with him. We've got a lot of catching up to do.

Carsten, mate, call me, yeah?

Julian Tzolov and Eric Butler

I'm sorry, guys, but I can't help you. Can you please tell your lawyers to stop phoning and emailing me at all hours of the day? If you've got mixed up with Jack Pickles, and then been indicted on fraud and conspiracy charges, how is that my problem? And I don't care how much money you offer me. I have my own problems with Jack. So the Feds have got you - what can you do? Credit Suisse has disowned you. Big Herb won't touch you. Jack is probably laughing his head off. It's a total mess, and I want no part of it. You're on your own.

Tim Whyte leaves Sofaer Capital

IMPORTANT UPDATE/CORRECTION

That bastard Keith Busby - the source of my story about Tim - has dropped me right in it. Tim has just contacted me. He wants to make clear that he left BEFORE the losses because he was offered a new job elsewhere. And the reason he was unavailable for comment was because he was taking a short break in the desert. He's never been anywhere near any fucking pit! Wait till I get my hands on that moron Keith!

Tim Whyte - one of London's top hedge fund managers - has left Sofaer Capital after losing a ton of money in July. Tim was the manager of Sofaer's Natural Resources hedge fund - which fell 17.4 per cent. He has been replaced by Julien Garran.

What the hell went wrong? In previous years the fund made massive gains of 57 and 79 per cent. It's karma, ain't it? Sometimes the gods - and let's be under no illusions, we're talking about Big Herb and Ganesh here - like to raise people up, and then throw them down into the pit. The pit of despair! The pit of wailing and gnashing of teeth!

I have been speaking to Michael Oliver from Mystical Cash Gurus about this pit, and he told me, 'I have first-hand experience of the pit. A couple of years ago, I pissed Ganesh off by switching my allegiance to Lakshmi, and we all know how much he hates her. Well, I was thrown into the pit - it's on the lowest level of the astral plane, by the way - and I have to say I did not enjoy myself. The place is crammed full of unsuccessful hedge fund managers, traders, analysts, and financial journalists; all moaning about their lot in life. Not a nice place to be. I got myself out by going back to Ganesh. I feel sorry for Mr Whyte if he's in that pit now.'

Mr Whyte could not be contacted this morning.

Tuesday, 2 September 2008

Alistair Darling: what is going on?

Alistair Darling. What can you say about such a man? I think I should quote from the final scene of Sean O'Casey's Juno and the Paycock:

Joxer: It's a darlin' story, a daarlin' story!

Boyle: I'm telling you … Joxer … th' whole worl's ... in a terr … ible state o' … chassis!

I have been speaking to award-winning financial psychic Keith Busby about the chancellor, and he told me, 'I feel sorry for the guy. It's not his fault. Tumbling sterling and all that. Gordon Brown is the one we should be blaming. Alistair is just a glove puppet, but Brown is the boss, and his chakras are completely screwed up. And let's not even get into his aura. Jesus! Well, okay, let's get into it. His aura is a dark, muddy colour and there are holes in it - a bit like the ozone layer - and I have to say it is beyond repair. This is what socialism leads to.'

Yes, very depressing. This is what socialism leads to.

Martin Blessing says ...

Martin Blessing, chief executive of Commerzbank, is very excited, and he wants to address my readers directly. So be it. This is what Martin says:

'I couldn't afford to ignore this unique opportunity, so I grabbed it with both hands. What am I talking about? I imagine, dear reader, you think I'm talking about the Dresdner Bank deal. Excuse me, but I have far more important stuff going on in my life. No, I am talking about Michael Fowke's invitation to venture into the desert on the astral plane of his subconscious. This is some heavy shit. I just hope I'm up to the challenge. I've been pestering him for some time to let me roll around in the desert of his soul, his mind, his subconscious; and now at long last it is going to happen. What does it entail? Well, your guess is as good as mine. I presume I will experience all the depths of his thought, the wonders of his imagination, but also the sickness and the darkness that lurks within him. I mean, let's face facts, this guy is a bit dodgy. All that talk about Jack Pickles. Some people say he is Jack Pickles. I am not saying he is - I don't want to get into trouble - but I have met a lot of people (many of them dead now, or residents of mental institutions) who have met Jack Pickles and read Michael's blog, and they have put two and two together. Do you know what I mean? I ask you, why does he wear that white sheet? For protection from psychic attack, he says; but is there more to it? Those poor souls who have met Jack say you can see the evil marked in his face. I get a shiver down my spine just thinking about it. Anyway, that's enough. I'm looking forward to my mystical trip, and I'm sure Michael won't hurt me in any way. Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy. I have total respect for him. He's such a wonderful person.'

You see? Certain characters think I'm afraid of criticism because I don't allow comments on my blog, but that's nonsense. I have very good reasons for not allowing comments - which I won't go into. But I let Martin have his say. Didn't make a great deal of sense to me, but I let him have his say. And I'm not going to hurt him. I promise.

Monday, 1 September 2008

Ian Henderson: gold

Ian Henderson is the manager of JPMorgan's Natural Resources fund. So what? No, listen, the guy is just crazy about gold. He loves the stuff. He says, 'You don't buy an ounce of gold to eat it. You buy it basically because you're greedy, because you want to make money out of it.'

That's fine. But why isn't he into base metals instead? Doesn't he realize that base metals are far cheaper and can easily be transmuted into gold? Well, okay, not easily, but it can be done.

Ian, mate, send me an email, and I'll put you in touch with someone. Enough said.

Pall Mall Investment Management: Chris Brils to the rescue!

Chris Brils has joined Pall Mall Investment Management, as the new head of mystical operations.

Arthur Simmons explains: 'Yeah, Chris was one of my students, a very able shaman, and now he will be sorting out all the problems at Pall Mall. Apparently, the last head of mystical operations was a total prat. Basically, a charlatan. He had absolutely no training in financial shamanism. As a result, everyone at Pall Mall had terrible chakras. I'm talking a total mess. Chris will sort this out, and the firm will be able to start making money again. He's a good lad.'

By the way, some newspaper this morning says that Chris is the new head of European high yield. Yeah, sure. Don't believe a word of it. It's just a cover.

Newton Investment Management: everything is up in the air

Unusually, for a woman, Helena Morrissey - the chief executive of Newton Investment Management - has spent quite a bit of time in the desert.

In an exclusive interview with me, she said: 'I am one of the very few female financial shamans, and the desert is my second home. The astral plane is where I have my fun, and who is going to stop me? It's about time women broke through the glass ceiling. We are not happy to be money mystics any more. We want to be financial shamans. Everything is up in the air because of the credit crunch. I'm referring to the desert air, of course. And I ain't talking about vultures. You know what I mean. You've been there, Michael. You've lived the life. You've burnt the money. You've danced with the ghosts. And not in the desert sands! Oh no, you have flown through the air with these ghosts, and so have I. That surprises you, doesn't it?'

Helena then went on to talk about avoiding banks or something. But, yes, I was surprised that Helena has actually flown through the air with ghosts. I had no idea she was so advanced. Or maybe she was talking about the astral desert, not the physical desert. But it doesn't matter really. It's still a great achievement.

Peter Randall

Peter Randall says: 'Sitting by the dock of the bay in my office at Chi-X, the morning sun, I'm waiting for the evening to come, the tide is rolling away, and I'm wasting time. I have nothing to live for. Nothing is going to come my way. Nothing is going to change.'

Oh, for Christ's sake, man! Cheer up! You are the chief executive of Chi-X - the only alternative share trading platform that is operational right now. Turquoise has to catch you up. You've got red braces! What more do you want out of life?

Commerzbank to buy Dresdner Bank

Commerzbank has agreed to buy Dresdner Bank from Allianz for £7.9 billion. This deal will shake up German banking, and could result in thousands of jobs being lost - many in London.

But these unemployed bankers must not get depressed.

O bankers, there is a season for everything. A season to be born. A season to die. We had joy. We had fun. You have got to be philosophical. Stare into the abyss and laugh. Do not cry. Laugh at the cosmos as well, and the cosmos will laugh with you. You will still have money to keep you warm. Unless you've spent it all. What did you buy? Did it make you happy? Or did the burning burn out of control? In that case, I don't know what to say.

Silence.

We will remember you.

Silence.

Atticus Capital losses: $5 billion this year!

Atticus Capital - a monster hedge fund based in New York - has lost more than $5 billion this year. Not down the back of the sofa, no. It's that blasted credit crunch again. The credit crunch is starting to get on my nerves.

A lot of people have been asking me when I’m going to do something about the credit crunch. They say to me: You're the world's foremost financial shaman. You're the money king. When are you going to pull your finger out?

Well, there is not much I can do. I've been praying to Big Herb and Ganesh. That hasn't done any good. I am not too familiar with Ganesh's personal habits, but I know for a fact that Big Herb moves in mysterious ways. I mean, I remember when he was a mere financier in the City. The way he would carry on! 'Mysterious' doesn't even begin to describe it. Look at how he died. On that space hopper in his office! So, he wasn't a normal man, and no one can expect him to be a normal money god. Maybe he has something up his sleeve. Maybe he will crunch the crunch. Maybe he will work his magic, and we will wake up one morning and the credit crunch will seem like nothing more than a bad dream. We have got to believe that Big Herb will deal with the problem eventually. Because as powerful as I am, I can't do anything. Sorry.