Thursday, 23 September 2010

Bryan Marsal has $60 billion to spend!

No one told me Bryan Marsal was the chief executive of Lehman Brothers. And I thought the bank had died a long, long time ago, when dinosaurs roamed the earth. Never mind. You can't know everything. I'm almost a god, but I can't know everything. I burn on the astral plane, every night. Knowledge on the astral plane? Forget about it! But there are still things I need to learn. And I want to learn. I'm not the sort of shaman who turns away from knowledge. To be fair to other shamans, I've never met a shaman who has turned away from knowledge. We are a special breed. Why don't you come up and see us sometime? Make us smile. A little visit. Or join us, even. Yes, become a financial shaman, if you have the discipline and the fearlessness. However, 'he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow', so be warned. It's not for everyone.

Who is Bryan Marsal? Oh, I'm ashamed to say I don't even know who he is. Well, I didn't know. I know now. Yes, I do ron ron research. I don't just throw this blog together, you know, or drag it out of the chaos of my subconscious. Bryan Marsal is a partner with restructuring firm Alvarez & Marsal. I presume the 'Marsal' is Bryan himself, and not his dad or his older brother. Of course it is! He's a partner, ain't he? Not the fucking tea lady. I was going to say 'tea boy', but I've never heard of a tea boy. Maybe I should have said [written] 'post boy' because 'tea lady' suggests that all is not well in the life of this very confused man. But I'm not going to judge him. I have problems of my own, although not of that nature. Only God can judge Mr Marsal. He's like 2Pac.

Where was I? Oh, the money! The sixty billion dollars! Yes, Bryan has managed to find $60 billion down the back of the sofa at Lehman Brothers, and now he's planning to go mad with the money. Absolutely insane, if you ask me. From what I've heard, he has no intention of handing the $60 billion over to Lehman's creditors. They'll only blow it on hookers, champagne, and coke anyway, so what's the point? No, he's going to be doing something far more exciting with the cash, or so he thinks. WHAT?! More exciting than hookers, champagne, and coke?! Yes, more exciting, but just as foolish.

I have been speaking to award-winning financial psychic Keith Busby. This is this what the moron had to say: 'Mikey, you've heard of Bryan Marsal, haven't you? (No.) He's the chief executive of Lehman Brothers. As well as being a partner with restructuring firm Alvarez & Marsal. (Get on with it, you prat.) Well, he's just come into some money. $60 billion! (Not bad. It's an impressive amount. What's he going to spend it on, Keith?) I thought you might ask me that, Mikey. He's not going to spend any of it. He's taking it into the physical desert. He's going to burn it. (All of it?) Yeah. (Bit extravagant, that.) Well, Michael, the thing is, you see, he wants to impress you. He told me the other night, he said, "Keith, I want the shaman, THE SHAMAN, to notice me. I want his love and affection. So I'm going to burn all the money in the desert. There'll be nothing left." (What did he mean, there'll be nothing left?) He's going to burn it to ashes. (Oh yeah? And what did you say?) I said - great! (Really?) Yes. Mikey, I can sense something in your voice. I know when you're upset, I'm psychic. You're not angry with me, are you? (Keith, mate, have you ever heard of the burning of money that never ceases?) Eternal burning? (Yeah. The eternal burning.) Oh shit. (Yes, Keith, oh shit. Oh shit, indeed. You dickhead!) Oh, Mikey! Sorry, man. (How many fucking times do I have to tell you that we don't burn money to ashes?! Jack Pickles does that, not us. And this is why I don't like being in the desert with you, Keith. You've got no fucking common sense, no intelligence, no nothing. You're a waste of space, Keith.) I'm sorry. Listen, I'll get back to Bryan. I'll tell him to call it off. (Yes, I think you better.) Christ! I'm an idiot, Mike.'

How many more chances am I going to give this guy? How many?! Unbelievable!