Monday, 6 September 2010

Threadneedle launches the UK Absolute Alpha Fund for Chris Kinder and Mark Westwood

Well, Threadneedle will launch the fund, soon. Very soon. I just hope Chris Kinder and Mark Westwood are grateful that this is being done for their benefit. We all know that Threadneedle has a number of mystical funds. I've celebrated some of them. I'm sure the UK Absolute Alpha Fund will be cut from the same cloth, as it were, as it was, as it will be. You understand what I'm trying to say.

However, I know nothing of Chris Kinder and Mark Westwood. I haven't seen these guys in flames, sand pouring out of their mouths, their eyes brimming with tears of joy or tears of rage, depending on how they're taking it, the storm of blood and fire, that is, or as it was, or as it would be. You understand the vision I'm conjuring up, dear reader. I know you do. You know the territory. But these two lads don't. Well, I don't know about Chris. I don't know if he is a lad. But I have seen a picture of Mark Westwood on a website - this morning! He is a young lad. And he has a cheerful, happy-go-lucky face, not a mask. I can change that. I can give him a mask of a face like mine. A face that has been to hell and back. A face that has survived to show the world that horror can be lived through. 'All great things must first wear terrifying and monstrous masks in order to inscribe themselves on the hearts of humanity'. I'll teach him. I'll show him the way. Someone has to. Threadneedle can't use a man like this, not in such a cheerful state. He will piss off the ghosts of the dead financiers for one thing. Maybe Threadneedle should keep him away from the astral plane until he has a bit more 'character'. I'll give him character. Just let me get my hands on him. Or my mind.

Yes, just let me get my mind on Mark Westwood. Let my mind wander freely through his mind, causing merry havoc, with words and images alien to his experience. Some voices. Confusion. Some gruesome sights. And a dash of evil! Oh, it could be needed. Hell would break him. I could do it. It wouldn't be difficult. It's not as if evil is unknown in my reality. And I've heard what people say. They say I'm Jack Pickles. I'll live up to it! I'll show them the true power of evil! O Mark, as others reign through tenderness, over your life and youthfulness, I want, myself, to reign through fear. Thank you, Baudelaire, you respectable demon. Yes, I take a few lines, every now and then. Quoting Lautreamont would see me driven from the blogosphere. I have to be so careful!

O Mark, you can leverage your expertise in delivering absolute returns for your clients. See how far it gets you, with the hounds of hell on your trail. It’ll be for your own good. And you'll thank me for it. The blood on the night clouds. A yellow moon. Sickness and despair. Terrible sounds to your ears! A cracking head! But then the morning will come. You will have made it through the night. You'll be stronger. You'll be the man that Threadneedle wants.

As for Chris Kinder, I'll have to investigate him. See what needs doing.