Monday, 6 September 2010

Why is Gervais Williams leaving Gartmore?

It seems as if everyone is leaving Gartmore. Will there be anyone left by this time next week? Well, there will be if no one is allowed to leave. The fund manager is considering locking staff in. Yes, you read correctly. Staff will not be allowed to leave the building. That explains all the bunk beds one of my associates saw being delivered the other day. Crazy!

But let's focus on Gervais Williams. Mr Williams is the head of the UK smaller companies team, but after seventeen years at Gartmore he has had enough. He is leaving at the end of September.

Well, I have been speaking to Mr Williams, and this is what he had to say for himself: 'I ain't sleeping in no fucking bunk bed, man. How did you find out? (One of my mystical mates, Keith Busby. He was hanging around your London office. He saw the truck pull up, all the beds. It's a desperate situation!) You're telling me! That's why I'm getting out, Mikey, before it's too late. (So where are you going to be working now? I presume you have another job lined up.) Well, I am weighing up a few offers, but I'm seriously thinking about going away for a year or two. To the desert, you know? (You want to find yourself, you mean?) Fuckin' A! (Are you American, Gervais?) Not to my knowledge, no. I'm an avid reader of your blog, Mike. I know you like to use the odd Americanism. Why is that? (It's nothing sinister. I can't control my writing, mate. These things just slip in.) Oh. I thought you were trying to ingratiate yourself with your American readers. (Yeah, a lot of people think that. But they're wrong.) You are a global superstar, anyway, ain't ya? (Well, I'm getting there, Gervais. I'm getting there. So, about the desert, man, come on, tell me.) Mikey, this is a bit embarrassing. I have to confess, I've never been. (You're having a laugh!) Nope. I've never been to the desert, I'm ashamed to say. Oh, I've thought of it. I've dreamt of it. I’ve - (Hang on a minute. You've dreamt of it?) Yeah. (While you were asleep, or just daydreaming?) No, while I was a sleep. A proper dream, like. (Well, you've been there then! You've been to the desert, Gervais.) What do you mean? (You've travelled to the astral desert of our love, in your sleep!) Of our love?! (It's just an expression. Don't get upset.) Okay. But I'm talking about physically going to the desert. I might want to live there for a while. (That's great, Gervais. But it's significant that you have already discovered the desert in your subconscious.) Oh, right. So it's a good thing? (Gervais, man, it's brilliant! Honestly.) Wow! Amazing! I've dreamt of it a few times. I even saw that nutty elephant. (Ganesh?) Well, who else? (Yeah, he's a character all right. Once you get to know him though, you see he has a serious side as well. It's not all about touching people with the trunk.) He touched me, you know. With his trunk. (Well, it happens, Gervais. There's not much we can do about it.) I wasn't bothered though. I'm just saying. (Yeah, well.) Yes, it's certainly something to think about, the desert, Mike.'

How about that, eh? Another new recruit!