Thursday, 16 September 2010

Who is Garett Stoffels?

Oh, if I were to tell you, you would love it, wouldn't you? If I told you that Garett Stoffels was a man who had joined Cantor Fitzgerald, had joined its newly-created private capital group within its investment banking division, I bet you would explode with ecstasy. But who would clean it up? I will not touch your dirt! Astral love in the sand? I want no part of it, [if, if, mouth] if it means being your slave.

You should learn your place. You are my slave. Alternative investment funds? Middle market companies? Where do you think you are? I ain't writing a word about no such nonsense. Have you seen me in your nightmares, my face floating above in those red skies of blood? Of course you have! And yet you want to roll around in the sand with me like a little puppy? I am an astral beast, little puppy! I am a storm of blood and fire!

I am in a foul mood today. Make no mistake. This is not the best time to ask me who Garett Stoffels is.

O Master, who is Steven Tuch?

HOW DARE YOU ASK ME THAT!!! I will not have that named mentioned in this blog! Oh, I don't feel well. Is there anyone who understands me? Why am I so alone? The pressure I'm under. All these characters. I have to decide if they are good or if they are bad. I am the one who judges. But only Big Herb can judge me. I must not fail him. I look at a man, like Garett Stoffels. I pass his name on, with my recommendations. If I were to ever get it wrong, just once, I would have to pay a terrible price. The dead financiers would come for me. Would you like to be in my shoes, my head, my soul, dear reader(s)?

O Master, who is Garett Stoffels then? Let's clear this up.

I am so tired, so very tired. But I will tell yo[ooo]u. Garett Stoffels joined Cantor Fitzgerald from Atlantic-Pacific Capital's New York office. Co-head of direct private placements. That's what he was. Not was what he is. Now he's another co-head with another ... person. Throughout his career, Garett Stoffels had been directly involved in over seventy-five transactions aggregating in excess of $70 billion. Stoffels was [not is, not is, not is] a managing director in the real estate and lodging investment banking group of Bear Stearns, where he has [HAD, oh] provided capital raising and M&A advisory services to real estate companies and private equity sponsors. Previously, Stoffels was [not is, we want is] an officer in the real estate investment banking groups of JPMorgan and Credit Suisse. Stoffels receives [now, slipping, now] an MBA from Duke University's Fuqua School of Business, where he was [is, is, is, please] a Fuqua Scholar, and ... and ... and a BA in business economics from the University of California. Stoffels is [was, is] a CPA and a member of NAREIT. This is what you wanted! Bastard child!

O Master, no one wanted this.

Dear reader(s), leave us now. I will tend to the Master. I will soothe him. He feels these words, you know. 'Capital' is a dagger. 'Business' is a dagger. 'Investment' is a dagger. The Master is a great suffering soul. He needs a coffee break. He'll be back later with another post.