Thursday, 2 September 2010

Manny "Emmanuel" Roman is the chief operating officer at Man Group!

Man Group named him chief operating officer yesterday. Isn't this wonderful?

[Congratulations, Manny, man! I know you've come a long way since I last wrote about you. I know you've been making an effort. Yes, I've seen you burning in the desert. Well, it's all paid off, hasn't it? You're doing better than ever, and it's only a matter of time before you become a financial shaman.]

I am concerned though that the GLG gang won't be able to get on with the Man gang. They are supposed to be one big happy family now, but can you see it working, dear reader? We all know that Man Group has not embraced mystical capitalism. That's why so many of its clients are pulling their cash out. GLG has a far more positive approach. I mean, the GLG guys are genuinely trying to get their heads around the new reality. Noam is a great guy. I love Noam Gottesman. I'm not totally convinced by Pierre Lagrange yet. Every time I see him in the desert, astral or physical, he seems to be scared shitless. [Pierre, grow a pair, yeah?] But the Man lot won't even touch the desert. They won't touch it! They won't even dip their toes in the sand. Except Jon Aisbitt, of course. He's all right. I've seen him about. And he loves that elephant god! If you ever meet Jon, dear reader, don't mention Ganesh to him. Trust me, get him started on Ganesh and you won't be able to shut him up.

[Manny, I've got a great idea (how do I think of this stuff?) The next time you're hanging around the water cooler with those Man squares, just drop some weird shit into your conversation. If it's an attractive woman you're talking to, something like: 'You know, you have lovely eyes. You're such a gorgeous lady. Big Herb died for your money. Why don't we go out for dinner one night?' She'll be focusing on the compliments and the fact that you're trying to get into her knickers, but the Big Herb line will go straight into her subconscious and bury itself there without her even being aware of it. If it's a man you're chatting with: 'See the game last night? Those ... (whichever team) ... are wankers, aren't they? I am a storm of blood and fire. The ref was an idiot. We should have had at least two penalties.' Get the idea, Manny? Do this every day. Every day, you understand? You've got to brainwash these characters over a long period of time, but be subtle, eh?]

Dear reader, if Manny follows my advice, there ain't gonna be a problem. I'm just wondering how much I should charge him. Actually, I should send the invoice to the Man Group nutjobs. They're the ones who'll be benefiting most. Ten grand sounds about right.