Tuesday, 27 October 2015

Colin Brockman is the new head of intermediary distribution at Investec

Yeah, he replaces Gary Dale. [A promotion! 'I'm sure he deserves it.'] Anyone remember Gary Dale? 'I do, boss.' Well, so do I, Voice. I remember his hair, anyway. 'Who could forget his hair?!' Er ... no one. 'Oh, it's Investec Structured Products, boss.' What is? 'You know, the thing ...' What are you talking about? Investec is enough. People know what I mean.

Well, well ... / I'm looking at Colin Brockman's LinkedIn profile. He has a nice, cheerful face. [Probably not a Leonard Cohen fan.] The "information", such as it is, is ... interesting. Very interesting. A psychologist would make a lot of it. 'Why?' Because he doesn't mention himself, man! It's utterly bizarre. See if you can dig this [or not dig]: We offer a wide range of consistently available Structured Deposits and Structured Investments, together with open-ended income and growth funds, that match a variety of client risk and return profiles. These solutions are available to the intermediated, discretionary and institutional markets and can be tailored to meet even greater specific needs. Since launch in 2008, Investec have been voted Best Structured Products Provider 14 times by 6 different industry bodies.

'How strange!' Yeah. Self-effacing doesn't begin to describe it! 'Maybe you should sign in to LinkedIn, boss.' Why? 'Colin might have written something "personal" ... inside.' Oh, right. Personal. Inside. Ha! But I'm not a member, Voice. I don't know if I'll ever be a member. 'Shame. / It's your loss. You're cutting yourself off from a world of opportunity.' Oh, I doubt it.

'Er ... hang on! He likes golf. Our Colin likes golf, man!' Jesus! That's not personal. Show me a finance type who doesn't like golf. Then I'll listen. I mean, that would be impressive, that would.

...

Ah, that's enough. For Christ's sake! It's only Tuesday.

Anything else? 'Politics?' Politics! Ha! I've never laughed so much in my life. 'At what?' George Osborne on Sky News last night. The big, fascist baby was almost in tears. 'Oh, cut him some slack, boss. He was upset.' Yes, I know. GOOD!!! A lot of people are upset in this country, and their only crime is being poor.

Music? I'm listening to .. nothing! / It's my music I'm worried about. I think that courier lost my Zoom H2n Handy Recorder. I'm giving them time to find it, but I may have to go for the nuclear option. 'What's that, Mikey?' A blog post directed at their chief executive. 'Shit!' Let's hope it doesn't come to that.