Wednesday, 14 October 2015

Renaissance Technologies is closing its Institutional Futures fund

Ah, because no one is interested any more. 'Christ!' It's a shame, man, but it happens. / One day the whole finance industry will shut down because no one will be interested. 'Really?' I've told you before, dear reader(s), that I'm the evolutionary spearhead of the human race, and - 'Have you told them that before, boss?' I'm sure I have, Voice. / Er, yeah ... where was I? 'You're the evolutionary spearhead of the human race.' Oh yes. As a rather advanced existential outsider, I am the evolutionary spearhead of the human race. 'It goes with the territory.' And people like me, well, just me, have lost interest in finance over the years. We do other things now. 'We? Like Aviva Investors?' Yes, just like Aviva Investors! [Great guys, too.] I've infected that firm with my "attitude" and you won't find them managing funds these days. Those mugs at Schroders manage the funds. 'Ha! Freaks!' The Aviva Investors mob can be found in the park, sitting on the grass, eating ice cream. 'Not in this weather, boss!' Well, not in this weather, obviously. (It is a bit cold today.) They'll be in the pub now, having a few barrels of Stella. And maybe some triple-cooked chips.

The point is ... shit! I've forgotten the point. 'Mikey, Renaissance Technologies, man.' Yeah, right. Have I written about this hedge fund before? [Renaissance Technologies LLC is an investment management company dedicated to producing superior returns for its clients and employees by adhering to mathematical and statistical methods. Whatever.] 'Only once. In the old days ... apple trees, blossoms in the breeze.' Oh, I remember. Let me have a look, my archive. Here we are -

What is the reason for this loss? Some absolutely vicious rumours have been circulating. The main one being that a financial shaman working at Renaissance screwed up. I won't have that. I won't have it! I spoke to Arthur Simmons this morning. I will not publish what he said because nearly every other word was an F-word or C-word. He was absolutely furious. Like me, he believes shamans and mystics working in finance are being used as scapegoats when things go wrong.

'Whatever happened to Arthur?' Forget him! / Ha! Happy days! That's when Renaissance Technologies' Institutional Equities fund lost 1 per cent of its value. Years ago now, when the world was young. But life goes on, apparently.

The point is ... I haven't got any music on! I bought a Muddy Waters CD yesterday (King of the Blues: The Best of Muddy Waters). Fifty songs for only £3. A bargain! 'The best you ever had!' / Man, let's have it!!!

Oh yeah, everything gonna be all right this mornin'. / I'm the greatest man alive! / I want you to believe me, honey. / 'Evolutionary spearhead of the human race, baby!' / Oh yeah, I'm a rollin' stone. / I'm the hoochie coochie man!