Tuesday, 15 January 2008

Renaissance Technologies: first fund loss in twenty years

Bad news for top hedge fund group Renaissance Technologies. Its Institutional Equities fund lost 1 per cent of its value last year. This may not seem like a total disaster, but a loss is a loss, and Renaissance has led a charmed life so far (if a hedge fund group can have a life, of course. I do talk a lot of crap sometimes, but you know what I mean, don't you?)

What is the reason for this loss? Some absolutely vicious rumours have been circulating. The main one being that a financial shaman working at Renaissance screwed up. I won't have that. I won't have it! I spoke to Arthur Simmons this morning. I will not publish what he said because nearly every other word was an F-word or C-word. He was absolutely furious. Like me, he believes shamans and mystics working in finance are being used as scapegoats when things go wrong.

Well, anyway, I have been doing a bit of investigating and - I have to be careful here - there is a possibility that a rogue money mystic was involved. From what I've heard this mystic was a complete charlatan. But I can't confirm any of this. It is all hearsay. However, I have warned banks and finance companies in the past to carefully vet their mystical staff. Mystical capitalism is still so new and most people don't understand it. So, if any company is considering taking on any new shamans or mystics, it would do well to consult either myself or Arthur first. Sure, we're expensive, but better safe than sorry.